01.24.03
Spring 1998
--------- Summer, once more... - So Alan... he was 10 years older than me & was kind of like my sugar-daddy, except for the fact that our relationship wasn't sexual at all. So I guess that he was more like a father than anything. We seemed to have a nice, respectful relationship between the two of us. We were best buddies. I liked to travel & he just liked to have someone to travel with him, I think... Especially a girl to talk to... (he wasn't that popular with the ladies) And so he "hooked it up" for about 2 months worth of nice hotel rooms & good food. He even gave me 'spending money' (how fucking sweet is that?) just because he liked to do it. Plus - Alan didn't encourage my drug use, which was a good thing. His fatherly-like support did enable me to focus all of my energy on it, because he didn't party at all. For the first time in a long time, I had a "straight friend" who looked out for me when I was being stupid. I often felt guilty for getting fucked up around him because he didn't do drugs. The only rule that Alan had about drugs was that I couldn't carry anything illegal in his car because of his glass. He had so much money invested in that glass that even a misdemeanor possession could cost him thousands of dollars in lost pipes. In Jersey (at the E Centre) I met up with Noah, one of my old buddies - and crush, I must admit. When Noah's ride left him after the show, I took it upon myself to offer him a ride in Alan's Explorer. I never thought that Noah would be carrying bud, but he was. Alan was furious when he found out. I think he was even more upset when he walked in on me and Noah practically getting it on in the hotel room floor... I think he was jealous. But somehow he had found out about the bud and told Noah to hit the road, to find another ride. He told me the same. I cried. I was barely 20 years old, broke, and in fucking New Jersey. He waited until after the Great Woods shows to tell me that I was kicked out of his car. At the time, I happened to be tripping on mushrooms... he explained in a very calm irritating manner that I had somehow "wronged" him in a way that he couldn't forgive and that I would have to "get the fuck out" of his ride. I called Stacey. I called Lex. I called my mother. I was tired of struggling, and I was ready to go home. My mother told me that "If I had gotten myself this far, surely I could get myself back." And she was right. I hitched to the next town hoping to meet back up with Noah. Well, Noah wasn't much help. All he seemed concerned with was getting rid of what he'd brought down from Washington State... mushies... He got me a ride with some of his friends and gave me some 'work' for the next show. We ended up eating most of the 'work' on the way to the next town. I don't remember when I agreed to go back to Asheville with Noah, But I did. And on the way he told me all about his girlfriend. Girlfriend? Hold up. Excuse Moi? (What the fuck is up with slimy-ass cheating guys?) Not that I wanted to fucking marry him, but goddamnit! I was constantly getting involved with boys that had other girls... And then to top it all off, (& before I even got to Asheville) I got a phone call from my mother. It was the call that everyone dreads. The "I have cancer" and "You need to hurry home" call. I was completely devastated. I hadn't seen my mother in ages and now she was dying. My stepfather wired me enough money to catch a bus back to Atlanta. Reality hit. Hard. It wouldn't be long before my fragile state was completely shattered. I felt like the world was spinning out of control. It was like I was in a perpetual state of un-luck... I guess what I didn't realize is that I was totally responsible for my own situation. The world hadn't done anything to me, I had done it to my own nieve self. I agreed to stay with my mom & stepfather while she was getting treatment. I helped out around the house... I just couldn't believe how sickly she seemed or how much pain she was in. She refused to take her pain medication, because she was so against drugs of any kind. So... you guessed it, I took all of her medication for her - percocets, lorecets, demerol... Nobody noticed. The summer just spiraled out of control into the fall. TO BE CONTINUED... |
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