01.17.03
Spring 1998
--------- Fall - So then summer kept right on keeping on into fall. When we got back from our summer trip in early September, shit got real. Slowly. One minute Nick was begging me to be with him - then he would disappear for days. I caught him screwing around with my friend Tracey and wondered why I had been so dumb. << URGH. No more about 'that' whole thing. I don't even want to recap that story, but it's necessary to explain why I ended up in Athens which is 4 hours away. >> SO I picked up and moved to Athens. I say moved, but at this point in my life, the few possessions that I had fit neatly into a small backpack. When I got to Athens, I decided to get a job. It was really hard to hold a regular job because: A- I hadn't worked in a long, long time -B- My roommates kept me drunk every night and -C- I still didn't give a rat's ass about anything except partying. I decided that I needed to make some money quick so I started "slinging" again. I got good prices because of my connections and made money quickly because I didn't smoke anymore. The money came, but then I started doing coke again -- like heavily everyday -- and soon found myself about to be kicked out of YET another apartment. I owed money to my roommates, the guy I bought my coke from, and friends that had lent me money to pay rent. I went to a good girl friend and asked to borrow some more money. Just enough to buy some 'supplies' & get myself going again. I just needed to get myself straight. She hesitated because it was such a large amount of money (in the thousands), but gave in because I convinced her that I could double the money in less than a month & pay her back with interest. So then I caught a ride with "Biker Lee" who was to take me to Atlanta to meet up with the kid in the hotel room. My friend from Atlanta had set it up. I was super paranoid about the whole thing, especially when "Biker" came to pick me up in what looked like the fucking mystery machine from Scooby Doo. It turns out that he was a decent guy who was pretty normal, worked & just did this shady shit on the side for extra cash. I realize that now, that he was probably more scared of me than I was of him. He took one look at me and rolled his eyes. "Great, a fucking crackhead..." And I probably did look like a crackhead. I stood next to his van weighing about 95 pounds (5 of those being my dyed pink dreadlocks), and sucking the last little bit of powder out of the corner of a zip lock baggie (don't act like you've never done it.) & chain-smoking... I met up with "J-O" and "Little Jay" at a hotel in downtown Atlanta - exchanged money, pills, and even got kicked some meth for myself. I arranged for Biker-dude to take my shit back to Athens for me. He was to meet my friends at The Grill and get this biz-nis rolling. All was good. I stayed in Atlanta & partied all night with J-O, Little Jay, & some other kids who were hanging out there with him. I was the only one there without a needle in my arm. Little Jay was even shooting Jack Daniel's Whiskey into his vein. The next night, still awake & strung out from the night before - I decided to stay with Lex rather than the junkies. That was when the shady shit hit the fan. It turns out that J-O had sold me some "Less than desirable quality pills" (read:fake) And then, in turn, I had distributed fake shit too. To a whole shitload of people. My pager was "blowing up", people were calling my cell... I was in big shit. At this point - I panicked. I had people looking for me, cursing me, chasing me, & even some idle death threats. I decided to lay low until I was sure that everything had blown over because I couldn't just make it all better. I had lost thousands of dollars that didn't even belong to me. I had fucked over (not on purpose!) everyone that had trusted me. To reiterate; I was in deeeeep shit. Not to mention the fact that my cocaine habit had now grown into an unmanageable monster that kept me sickly and half-crazy most of the time... You could probably fit everything that I ate from October to December on one plate. I tried everything. I NEEDED to make that money back and make it back quickly... I remember walking down Peachtree Street in the city with about $5,000 cash in the back pocket of my kickwear jeans and 3 ounces of kindbud in my backpack walking to meet some people that i didn't even know. I tried to reason with J-O about the money I had been ripped off because we were supposedly friends... but he just kept saying that he wanted to keep business -separate- from personal life. Yeah, right. That's why he offered me a deal if I would suck his dick. I was super strung out. I was standing on the edge and I didn't even know it. One night I decided to take a handful of 'little pink hearts'... then I sat in Lex's bathroom floor [cold tile, cold tile, cold tile] and carved a 2 inch hole in my left wrist with a pair of scissors. I waited for the feeling to hit and then drifted off into a dream. TO BE CONTINUED...
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