10.11.03 �Real Life�: Everything is steadily becoming more like it always has been. (Hahaha.) BF started working for his dad again. Our financial situation goes from bad to good to bad to worse to better to even and back around to bad. This cycle changes daily. Some months are filled with eating out and new clothes and shopping and exotic books. Others are spent eating minute rice and Good Will and reading from the library. My mother has been super busy with her business and has hardly made contact except for quick requests to update her website. Maybe I will ask her for money. I am back in school once again � this time working on my last two classes. Finally ALMOST done with this second degree. Once again, I am unhappy with what I have studied. -------------------- My dad has several degrees � one in Education, one in Math, one in Drafting & Architecture, and one in Civil Engineering. At one time (in the long ago) I thought he was just racking up pieces of paper, being indecisive, being afraid to commit. Now I understand more and more of the desire to constantly be something different. I remember back to when I was small [er]� I wanted to be a �line-cutter� when I grew up. Seriously. My mother had to explain to me that there was no such job � no such thing as someone who cut out shapes of paper for a living. Hahaha. I was a funny kid. Maybe college isn�t the answer. *light bulb* Yeah, I came up with that one all by myself. Maybe I will write a book. Yes, definitely. Maybe I will become a pet psychic, or a cult leader. Too easy. Maybe I will just trudge along at the University job until I get my 25 years in & retire with regret. Maybe not. -------------------- Yesterday, I played around all day with emails. One to Bo, after I had contemplated last weekend�s events, and I was finally able to respond without anger. Another to R, after I have been found out, and I was able to finally respond without guilt. I have been so frayed and worn this past week. I don�t want to play anymore. He said, "You win". He said, "you are the MASTER" (of all games) "and I thought I was good!� He said, �You are so good�. I told you so, I told you so, I told you so... didn�t I tell you? I thought that I did. And I broke you just like I said I would. It�s all a joke right? Just something to fill the time. -------------------- Lydia said that I don�t have to pick up all the marbles at once. I don�t even have to pick up one � just let them fall & bounce & come to rest. I knew this. It�s what I try to tell myself every single day. And every single day I wake up different, altered, stirred. And it�s hard to recall exactly how I made it though yesterday. How did I exist then if I only feel sturdy today? It was difficult to throw out all the pills, two weeks ago today. She assured me that most of the choppiness is the result of detoxification. So this is what REAL life feels like? Fuck this. It will pass though, once I finally experience the emotions that have so long worn a dreamy dress of self-medication. Once I feel ABSOLUTE undressed emotion. Once I feel through it all, then I can decide if I really want what�s real. Until now it was just a block of memories revealing themselves as still movies of someone else�s life. What if I go insane? I ask her this, as if I actually expect an answer� What will it matter? That ready-book answer [standard, of course] assuring me that a mental illness can be treated just like a physical illness � of course, of course, of course. In and out of psychiatric care since the age of 8? Does this sound like any sort of real healing? -------------------- I have all but abandoned my fotolog. I seldom update here or there or there or even there. I rarely even think about writing anymore. It seems as if I say the same things over and over again � a complete circle. A habit. There are things that I could write if it were so easy to say them in words. Perhaps I will try another day. Another day when I wake up different. |
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