12.07.10 Do you know that feeling - the one that feels like you've been kicked in the gut, stomach acids burning your insides, chest heavy... the one you might get when you see the flashing blue lights in your rearview mirror or when your significant other tells you it's over or you realize you just lost a $20 bill. It can be something minor that brings that feeling on but it always feels the same. A death. Bad news. Bad luck. Hurtful words. Whatever. Every morning I awake to wonder at what time today I will get the kick in the gut. I need a vacation. Oh, wait... my mother has the kids this week. That's right - KIDS. Plural. Scarydoll has KIDS. Scary. But it's no vacation, I'm expected to be very productive without those responsibilities - to take care of things I've put off because it's too hard to load up babies (and thier diaper bag-LUGGAGE) in the freezing snow and cart them with me from doctor appointment to grocery store to utility company. All I want to do is sleep. Sleep and sleep and sleep some more. Get up and eat. Go back to sleep. I haven't felt what it's like to REALLY sleep like this in (how old is the oldest?) at least 3 years. When someone (usually one of my childless friends) talks to me about wanting to have children, I always ask them "Do you hate to sleep, or what?" In all seriousness, I miss the hell out of them. Out of those responsibilities. I can't sleep. I awake at the same time each morning and find myself listening... "was that the baby whimpering?", "was that the toddler getting into the refrigerator or toilet?" And then there goes that KICK IN THE GUT. They aren't here. Not until Saturday when my parents bring them back and I can once again don the ratty paint-stained sweatpants and my pilled pink robe to heat bottles or clean up poop for 12 hours a day and sometimes during the night. Whatever did I do with myself before them? I'm sure my readers could tell me. I'm sure I could read thru the 8 years of archives here and remember... |
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