04.13.07 I have signed up to go on the "OB Tour" of the local hospital for Sunday. I've been so incredibly stressed out about all THIS. This unknown-unfamiliar-uncontrolled thing. Maybe actually seeing the maternity ward at the hospital will comfort that part of me that needs to know everything in advance. I have to admit that this has been the longest 6 months EVER. I'm just not finding that pregnancy (in general) agrees with my disposition. The feeling of my body being stretched to it's physical limits with no end in sight, the feeling of being insufficient, the feeling of imminent failure, the feelings of awkwardness... not being able to "manage". An overwhelming urge to run away! Of being trapped. Of being forced. I wish someone would assure me that these thoughts are more common than just me - these thoughts that fill me with guilt, hoping that it doesn't reflect on how I will feel about motherhood itself. I just feel so horrible about the way I feel.
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