04.10.07

I figure that it's the ritual that I really miss. Coffee, cigarettes, pills. The morning routine which is now replaced with a different (much different) one. My mornings are much more complicated now. Upon awakening I instantly reach down & touch my belly - like a confirmation that the last few months have been real. Then I manuever my way to the edge of the mattress and roll myself into a sitting position. This exhaustes me. Then it's off to find food in the kitchen because I am literally starving and weak from the night.
The baby is more active in the morning and so I sit quietly after my cereal and watch the skin on my stomach rise and fall in sudden jerks. Sometimes I sing or talk aloud while cradling my hands on the "bump".
It's during this time that I also make my mental plans for the day - exercise, errands, meals, and all that. And then at night it's a reverse of the morning's routine; bath (while I can still lift myself in and out of the tub!) and 'baby watching' and reflection on the day.
The rituals are different because they are completely about something other than myself. Such a change from just a few months ago... And now that I have been forced into a state of complete and total abstinence from drugs or drink, I wonder how I ever found time to actually live my life before.

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