01.12.07 I am exactly 11 weeks and 4 days pregnant. I am back in GA with my mother. I am halfway divorced. I am smiling as I write this... We found out on December the 2nd which was a Saturday. That day I started a "pregnancy diary" that I ACTUALLY write in - almost on a semi-regular basis. BFH's dad took me to buy a pregnancy test because BFH couldn't/wouldn't actually handle it himself... that was the first sign. Then BFH started a drunken self pity party that lasted until I left him on the 16th. He didn't even bother to try and stop me. He didn't even call to make sure I made it across 2 states in my condition. He didn't even call on Christmas day. Ass. So then he calls me a couple of days after Christmas. What I figure is that he spent at least a few hours being sober during that time & had a moment to think about everything. He said he's sorry. I told him that HE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW HOW SORRY HE IS. Not yet. But for now I'm happy that I'm being taken care of like I deserve to be while I'm sick. JESUS. I didn't even realize how low my self esteem had gotten until my mother told me that it was okay to feel bad... and for the first time in forever, I felt tears run down my cheek. He always made me feel so guilty for what HE was going through that I didn't even have time to think about myself. I didn't even take time to write anymore. So - I'm writing now and I'm smiling now... and my computer desk is on the third story... and it overlooks a field that is clear and cold. And I'm thinking about being a mommy. |
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