10.03.06 October used to be my favorite month. The smell of fall, the excitement of new semesters, Halloween, crisp and assuring... And this year it sort of just happened. I look at the date on the calendar and it's October ALREADY? I feel like I'm living with the results of some sort of decision that I've yet to make. (If that makes sense.) BFH has been working while I am at home all day (for the past two weeks) without a car and without a job. It's sad really. I've always had something to keep the days from melting together - except for the past year since we moved to NC. Suddenly, I am cooking and cleaning (and starting to remind myself of my mother) while my reflection only reminds me that I'm seemingly "wasting" away what's left of my youth. I'm in a terrible place in my head and shouldn't really be thinking this much... But I am. For the first time in forever, I'm not assisted by any substances to "help" me through this smothering depression. Which should make me quite proud but doesn't. For the first time in forever, I'm seriously at a place that I'd rather not be. I feel that I'm at a precipice waiting for someone or something to nudge me forward. |
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