09.09.06 So I'm drunk. What's new? Besides the fact that I was trying out that whole "being completely clean" thing... BFH got a new job in Hickory, which is quite a drive from where we currently live... I've been secretly hoping that we'll move out of this shitty little town soon anyways & this is the perfect opportunity. So, we've also been considering children - or at least a child. I feel like I'm running out of time or something (I'm only 27, right?) but I know that THIS feeling is one of loneliness and is totally selfish of me at this point in our lives. We are totally unstable in both finances and maturity... I certainly don't want to bring a human into a life as chaotic as mine was when I was a child, and neither does BFH. I also have some "issues" to work on before I am mentally prepared to handle the responsibility of raising another little person. I've always thought that I'd just magically have my "shit" together by this age... imagining that white-picket fence and all that... but it seems that somewhere along the way I forgot to ACTUALLY stop being so selfish for a moment & start planning for my future. I've just always lived from day to day, from season to season, from trajedy to tragedy, from one life curve to another... That's no way to live unless you're living totally for yourself. I just keep holding on to that HOPE that the universe will "unfold exactly as it should" and that things will work themselves out without my pushing and proding. What's in my future? I wish I knew. I know everyone wishes that too (well, most everyone at least). But to tell the honest truth, I'd rather let life "happen" than to worry about plans and futile attempts at making my own destiny. I guess I just don't know - the older I get, the less sure I am of myself. If only I knew as much now as I thought I did when I was 16... |
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