09.05.06 Just thinking - call it "channeling" thoughts... Casey killed herself on June 1st of this year. It's only been three months. I keep forgetting somehow... like I still talk about her like she's just THERE, still living back in GA, still just a phone call away. I was never good on the phone. I copied all the entries from her LJ into my most recent entry there, which I encouraged her to start writing in after her previous attempt at cutting her wrists. She wrote a lot about me there. I didn't even realize it until I finally logged back onto LJ... I've been thinking about her a lot lately. Pictures of her are around the house, her poetry books are packed in with some of my stuff (for when she wanted a safe place to keep them), and I still look in my closet and see some clothes of hers (we used to borrow each other's shirts & stuff)... But mostly I just have seemed to totally pass all that shock and went straight into forget-mode. Maybe I'm not ready to deal. Maybe I won't ever deal. Maybe I should've just called her back that night. Maybe. ------------ I think we'll be moving again soon. Not anywhere special, but closer to where there are better job opportunities for BFH. Since he's been laid off we've been struggling to keep the effing power on. My "tips" aren't cutting the thousands of dollars worth of credit card & loan debt that I owe every month, so needless to say my phone is ringing off the effing hook. It seems that ever since we moved to NC that things have gone from bad to worse to horrible. Boo-hoo, right? Yeah, my mom informed me (as if I didn't already know) that this current life situation is one of my own doing. Resulting from a series of choices... Thank you "Captian Obvious". What other choices seemed so apparent at the time I made these? Was I just blind to the PLETHORA of alternatives? I mean FUCK. I did what I did (move) because it seemed to be a better solution than checking myself into rehab again. Opinions are like assholes (everyone has one) and advice is like the crap that spills out of those assholes. ------------ I'm tired. |
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