07.05.06 Hello there. What a trip it's been to read back through this thing again - four years worth of silly stories documenting the fact that I existed somewhere for some time. BF and I (well he's my husband now) have a new place since February. It's still in the same shitty little southern US town, but from my front porch you can see forever and ever... I had wished it for so long. For my life to change completely and it happened so quickly... I wish I had kept up this diary so that I could pinpoint the change-over, instead of wondering where it happened. Progression. Change. The sun born over and over again. C has been 'sober' since his birthday this January. By sober, I mean that he only drinks every now and then. After almost 7 years of his daily over-indulgences, I feel like I'm meeting him again for the first time. Not sure whether it's good or bad though, we don't exactly get along that well without our other rituals of drugs and drinking. We had been going to NA & AA for a few weeks earlier this year, which for a while made us closer. Now I can feel the resentment creeping into the space between us. After seeing him this way, I finally realize why he chose to drink himself stupid on a daily basis. All these demons that are surfacing are almost too much to take (and they aren't even my own). But for the time being, I am content to let everything regress. I started bartending again rather than go back to corporate america, and have found the past few weeks to be highly entertaining. There is no more routine of wake/shower/dress/work/eat/sleep... now the days blend into nights and my routine is always different. This is what I wished for all those days. This is what I wanted, I think. The struggle. Everyday is new and everyday is unexpected. BUT for this "life less ordinary" the payment is the financial struggle that I'm not used to anymore. An honest day's pay for an honest day's work? hahaha - I had forgotten what that felt like. To be bone tired and sore. |
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