05.02.04 I'm gonna post this in my livejournal today because I feel THAT unoriginal. ----- Part I. In my head I've constructed this entire world around me... Look in my house - see how everything is in a particular arrangement and how there is no dust on anything? Notice how the knick-knacks on the bookshelf are arranged so that each one is facing a different and complimentary direction? And into the bedroom we'll go next where there are no clothes on the floor and curtains match the bed skirt - accident, no - and the throw pillows match the candles. And into the kitchen where the glasses in the cupboard are arranged by type and size (and even then by color). And it's not just my house. It's how I do things. Everything around me is methodically planned and plotted with "to do" lists and schedules and timers. It wasn't always like this. I swear, I used to be messy and unorganized and forgetful and irresponsible and insensitive and restless and ENDLESS(ly happy). I have constructed and collected this life, this job, this house, these possessions, this boy into a man, this routine. The same routine that I can�t ever remember NOT having. Awake at 6:50, coffee set to brew, shower, dress, off to work, home at lunch (30 minutes only), back to work, clean up, do it again. And repeat. And repeat. And repeat. And FUCKING repeat. Suddenly, things are falling down all around this world. The earth has spun around this tiny space in my brain as I consciously ignored it for so long. "Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans."???????? What about the fact that life has happened when I WASN'T busy making ANY plans??? Huh? I wasn't making plans - I was building a world of my own. A world that was obviously built on sand. Part II. Last Night It was particularly stormy and like a spring-sort-of-storm it was warm and the rain was nice. BF starting drinking around noon - and continued into the evening. We sat around B0's house watching a train-wreck of a drama unfold... He let some girl move in and she in turn moved in another two girls and they in turn took over the tiny apartment. So much so that B0 had to move his sofa and coffee table onto the front porch so that they could have their own bedroom. And the TYPE of girls they are - with their short-shorts, perfect makeup, manicured nails, and tanning bed skin - and not to mention the energy of their attitudes and how it was like watching space aliens prance around. One of them, obviously putting on her pouty-girly-flirty face for BF... me gagging in the corner. It was sad, actually. Later in the evening, we left for dinner with Jenna and R0bert. I like Jenna - maybe we could be friends, I don't know. If she didn't have a two year old it would be more possible I think. There are very few girls that I can tolerate, and she's not one of those space alien types. When we got home, BF immediately took off to his dad's house with a flippant "I'll be back in a minute..." which turned into three hours. Wouldn't have been a big deal if he hadn't have taken MY car and MY keys. So when he got home I took the keys and played the same game... Over to B0's house for more train-wreck watching. I had been sitting in B0's outside living room for about 20 minutes when BF stomped up the steps demanding his keys. He had walked like 3 miles in the storm and he was pissed as hell. I immediately walked off the porch and back around the house to my car, but apparently there were some words spoken between BF and B0 and some "Fuck you"s were exchanged along with idle threats of "beatings". I got BF into the car and proceeded to drive around town for half an hour giving him time to cool off. BUT, I'm tired of re-hashing that conversation/situation of last night. Let's just leave it off and say that everything got straightened out in the end. B0's leaving today. For good. To run or whatever, probably to bounce around the country. He can't just wait out his three months left of probation cause he's "suffocating" and his soul is "dying". Whatever. Another friend marked off the board. Part III. Broken I somehow grew a heart and it hurts. I feel awfully alone. I feel like I'm breaking apart with so many changes so many losses so many hurts so many ill words and loose fantasies of death & dying. More fantasies of what ifs. The need for a change of scenery or of state of mind - either is welcome. I used to not care. That must be why I've survived this long. Suddenly, life is happening all around me and I'm caught up and overwhelmed. I suppose this started off as a farewell of sorts but ended up saying more than I intended and so I'll just stop. I suppose I'll just suck it up and take a drive down to my mother's house. I'll take my camera and a pack of smokes. I'll see if that makes me feel any better. |
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