03.31.04 I didn't go to the hospital... yet. My psychiatrist tried to talk it up - but I kept thinking about what other people would think. Stupid, I know. He has demanded that I take the rest of the week off from work and has actually said that if I go back to work before next Wednesday, that he won't write me an excuse. Why next Wednesday? Because I'll see him again on Tuesday evening. Until then I am spending an hour every single day with Lydia and am supposed to be taking a new med called "Abilify", which is an atypical antipsychotic. The atypicals work with the neurotransmitters serotonin, dopamine, norepinephrine, GABA and histamine in really selective parts of the brain to block hyperactive input. To use a stereo analogy, let's assume all the crap in your head is like having a radio tuned to a station you don't like that's turned up too loud. Both anticonvulsants and antipsychotics work to tune the radio to a preferable station, but they work on the volume in a different manner. The anticonvulsants actually turn down the volume. The antipsychotics work like earplugs, the volume is still turned up, but you can't hear it so it doesn't make a difference. .. This is why they work for bipolar in addition to dealing with anxiety, irrational thoughts, hallucinations and maybe even depression in some cases. This is might also be why, with too high a dose, which for some people could be any amount, they can cause horrendous depression. " Great, another pill to take. Rowley says that if I don't show some sort of stabilization (is that a word?) in my mood then he will have me checked into Two West by my family. When I last wrote that entry about going to the hospital - I was feeling like that was what I wanted. But I'm so scared. I don't want to lose my job over this, or cause a drama with my family. (My mom would totally lose her shit.) So for now, until I'm "okayed" by Rowley on Tuesday, sitting around my house all day in my pajamas, going to therapy, trying my damndest to "stabilize" myself. Whatever that means. My soul knows better than all this. If only I could make my head agree... |
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