03.28.04 There is an obnoxious rendition of the Star Spangled Banner being murdered on the television. BF left the channel on the Nascar race just now as he left to go to his dad's house for their weekly race-watching jerk-off. I had told him yesterday that he could come home -- conditionally. He came home with an attitude that I'm sure was the result of a bad hangover and being bitched out by his father all morning. I told him today that he shouldn't come home until he's ready to change his life completely and this time I truly mean it. It might sound completely ridiculous but there are the rules that I have outlined and typed up. Should they be broken, there is a single consequence for his actions. (It HAS to be like this.) I have an overnight bag packed and waiting by the door. It will remain there until I decide for sure that THIS is the way I want to live my life. It will be there as (not a threat, but) a promise of the law that I have laid down. That yellow leather Adidas bag packed with shampoo, toothbrush, panties, socks, and a couple of changes of clothes will serve to hold me over until I could make proper arrangements to end this lease and start moving. I will leave if things do not drastically change. I piled all of R0bert's shit there too, at the door, and he will be asked to take it with him the next time he shows up. The initial plan was to just leave while he was gone today. The plan was that I would go see a movie today with my mother (we had planned this last week sometime) and then just stay with her tonight, but when I called her she informed me that she was too busy to actually go out and that I was welcome to come to her house anyway and hang out. No. I will spend today planning. Sort of like a prison break complete with escape route and a safety net. I have money saved in the bank. Enough to pay a deposit and first month's rent on another apartment. BUT - I don't really want to tie myself to this place for too long (say another 1 year lease) and I must not think about the newest credit card that is maxed out because I chose to take BF with me to San Diego. I made that bed myself and I will certainly pay for it. Most everything in this place belongs to me save for some clothing and some vinyl records (even though I bought those too!). I have the option to sell off all my belongings. There is all this stuff that I don't really need anyways. I have even considered pawning those godddamn turntables and taking his clothes in a bag to a consignment shop – but I will leave him with a little dignity. Don't really want any more trouble than the obvious. I always have the option to stay with my mother but that would take some explaining on my part that I want to save for an emergency only. I have enrolled in school for the summer (almost) and had my transcripts sent and so I would stay around here until fall. I would continue to work and pay off bills in order to completely free myself. But these are just plans, scattered out in my head. After a little thought, I have decided instead to draw up a contract. Hahaha. Me and my OCD have quite the list of rules layed out on paper. He will agree to them or he will "get the fuck on out". He will agree to these rules or he will find that the door lock has been changed and his pants and records have been burned outside in the frontyard without a permit on a warm spring Sunday. |
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