03.25.04 The bad part about "getting better" is that I feel often like I'm waking up after blacking out at a party the night before -- and everyone has already gone (home or otherwise) and there is nothing left but a big mess to clean up. After months of being wrapped around my own brain, hibernating, being antisocial, I wake up to another reality where my friends are all gone (Either literally or figuratively, they've changed or they've moved.) And all of the sudden, I feel lonely - something I never experienced when I was supposidly "depressed"... weird. It's because when I was depressed, I felt no need for human contact, no need to leave my house, no need for conversation. Now, in my non-depressed state - those things seem like something I'm interested in but I missed out (or messed up) somehow. BF is still here & I love him much-ly. BUT - B0 is in jail for no telling how long, Lola & Jamie have moved 3 hours away, Tracey got married and is moving to Seattle in June, Lex & my old GRA are both living in NYC, J1ll is a 45 minute drive away, Chip & Amber are getting married next weekend, Les & Michelle2 are in Savannah (5 hour drive), JoJo is in L.A., Kenny got a job and an apartment on the other side of Atlanta, R0bert has a sugar-mama & we rarely see him anymore, and even my neighbors are all moving when the leases are up this summer. That is literally a list of all of my real-life friends. What fun is it to be happy when you have hardly anyone to be happy with? And I know that is a stupid question because I should be able to be happy on my own - and BECAUSE I am finally happy on my own... but still. Sigh. ------------ And I had the most elaborate dream last night (and I usually hate when people talk about thier dreams because it's boring to hear, so skip this part if that's you). BF and I were in California and he was driving in front of me in his car over a bridge. There was an earthquake and the bridge split right between our cars. He got over safely, but his car fell into the water. I was so angry that he left his car to fall when he could have just driven the rest of the way on the other side and met me later. I don't know what that means. Then we were at a club and everyone was dressed in St. Patrick's day gear. Green & clovers all around. Then my XBF, Noah, called me to invite me over to his house for dinner with his new wife & him. I told him about the earthquake and that I was at some club and that BF had lost his car. He told me that the club had a bomb in it and that I should get out immediatly. I tried to warn everyone, but nobody would listen. My dreams have been frantic like this for weeks. A whole lot of death & destruction.
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