03.23.04 I had the doctor to up the milligrams that I'm taking on a certain medication just for kicks. Maybe I can completely kill the part of my brain that is diseased. I've been switching it up lately - drinking again. Drink of the month is Sour Apple Martinis... of course with a handful of cherries at the bottom. Lola & Jamie stopped by unexpectedly last night as I was spread out on the livingroom floor that was covered in bedpillows and blankets... staring at the ceiling fan... drifting in and out of an opiate dream... Mushroom Jazz CD playing the soundtrack of my life... lost in my head. They wear me out. Thier energy. Though Lola's laugh is enough to make up for any tense feeling one might get - it's one of those genuine deep chested jolly laughs... it's contagious. They wanted pills so I emptied out bottles of Adderall, Valium, Lorecets, Klonopin --- we ate pill-salads and talked of random things. When I'm all fucked up, I like to clean my house because that's just what I do... so today it's spotless. As I was scrubbing the bathroom sink, BF stumbled in and literally fell on top of me. His eyes were all rolling around in his head and drool was running out of his mouth. As calmly as I could I (along with Jamie) carried him into the livingroom to sit in the BIG CHAIR, fed him massive amounts of water, and rubbed his face with a cool rag. He was babbling about this or that, begging me for another adderall to "wake himself up"... I said HELL NO. After Lola & Jamie left, I propped pillows all around BF and left him there to sleep in the big chair. JoJo called but since BF was passed the fuck out, I ended up talking to him for a good thirty minutes. He's so lonely out there in LA. Even though he's been there for over a year, he's not the type to make friends easily... We talked about the difference between changing your life & just changing your geography. Two ends of the same spectrum that somehow have nothing to do with one another and YET - can kick off and spin off one or the other... I'm rambling now and so I'll stop. BF crawled into bed this morning at about 4 am when he woke up freezing his ass off in the coldness of the front room. He hugged me and said he was sorry. Yeah, right. |
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