02.21.04 BF, errr, Chad, err, FUCK-FACE just called & woke me up. Apparently he was still out and was letting me know he was alright. Still out at 8:00 am tripping on mushrooms, about to go to fucking work. He asked me last night at 10:30 after Kenny called if I minded about the mushrooms. For the love of Sweet Jesus, yes. It's been like two weeks since he almost died in my kitchen floor and he has yet to slow down one bit. Mushrooms are all natural and somehow a little safer than LSD, sure... but this guy has been known to have a Grand Mal Seizure after consuming psychadelics. He pouted. He reasoned. He argued. He was tearful. Then he was angry. Then he was super nice. In the end I told him to go - because he's a grown-ass man and I'm not the boss of him. Those were my exact words. He said he'd be home shortly (yeah, right) and so I said goodnight to R0bert (who actually backed me up on the whole thing) and went to sleep. He never made it home. And the only missed call was from almost 7 am this morning and the message was incoherant, though I knew it was him. I know I bitch a lot about him but last night I decided that this is the last straw. I started thinking rationally for the first time in months without emotion (thank you anti-ANYthing pills)... He continues to dissapoint and disregard me. I'm trying to get well while he is trying to destroy himself and not to mention that his alchoholism is not good for my recovery either. I don't mean that he just went out last night on a whim and stayed gone doing God knows what, but that he's missed work two days this week because he's not only "not slowing it down" but rather seems to be pushing all the limits every night like nothing ever happened. It's hard to talk sense into someone who is so determined to wreck themselves. I know, I was once there in another life. I was once the one who made my friends and family cry. I was shown tough love - and it worked. It fucking worked. Because that night many years ago when LJ lay dead in that hotel room and his girlfriend died in a bathroom at a party the next week, my so-called friends scattered. I was absolutely aware that I was ALONE without my parents and my real friends who cared about me. I've been through re-hab too. Let me just say that it doesn't work for everyone because it's complete bullshit. Nobody will change anything by attending meetings and being watched... it just makes you hide better, be more careful and secretive. It's only when you actually want to change and then *poof* you don't even really need re-hab anyways. We had a "talk" on the monday following our trip to the emergency room and he assured me that he would never never never put himself in harm's way again... for me and for himself. I told him then that if he broke his promise that I would leave him, but not before I promised that I'd help him get help. My plan for today? Drink the rest of my yummy turkish coffee. Shower, pack, call my girlfriend J1ll that lives in Douglasville. I'm going away for the weekend - not so much to hurt him, but to help myself. I will be much to angry & hurt when he gets home and there will be an arguement. It's time for tough love. It's time for consequences. It's time for me to continue living and to know when I am putting myself in a toxic situation. I'm tired of hurting and worrying. I'm just plain tired of not living my life, but living his... |
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