02.03.04 I just walked out of the office with no explaination except that I had a "doctor's appointment"... things just seem like they are falling apart. Everything is TOO much. My appointment with Dr. Rowley is at 2:30 today. There are a few things that he will ask me - a complete psychological examination, suggested by my therapist. He intends on discussing medication or hospitilization or rehab. I don't know yet. In the end it's up to me since I am an adult. After this weekend, I decided that I can't very well help BF if I'm just as bad as he... maybe if I get treatment then he'll agree to join me or at least support me in my decision. All I know is that the world is heavy and I am so tired. I have had a terrible migraine headache for the past two days (mostly due to the stress of the past week, compounded by heavy self medication, starving my body, and the ordeal with BF Sunday.) In a wild attempt to stop the headache last night I got some methadone and lorecets (and of course xanax) and had a very scary experience myself. As I lay unable to move on the bed, BF stroked my hair and tried his best to comfort me - but I was having severe hallucinations. At some point I screamed out - seeing someone outside the window, then I was talking on an imaginary telephone, then I cried myself to sleep. I need help. The boy needs help. |
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