01.19.04 Happy Martin Luther King day! Hahahaha. I'm getting a paid holiday today, it's the coolest. It was very nice to wake up at 11:30 am instead of 6 am, drink coffee in front of the computer instead of while drying my hair, and have the sunlight illuminate the bedroom this morning instead of the bathroom light. Nice. I vaguely remember when BF left this morning and I had been cuddled up to his back, holding his shoulder, and how he replaced himself with a giant pillow. Then at about 9:30 am I woke up (confused for a moment) holding that big pillow, then realizing that the pillow neither sweated nor snored nor farted in it's sleep and I hugged it tighter and fell back asleep. Haha. --- the next part is all about BF --- I just read the craziest thing in someone's LiveJournal... some girl I don't even know (though I read her journal regularly) and how she was going through a breakup with her BF. The way that she described him sounded exactly like MY BF. The way he's unaffectionate sometimes, inconsiderate, and the way that he ignores me to play video games. She described how he NEVER brought her flowers or presents or "took her out" - how he was never romantic or spontaneous. But this girl was sad and the way that she wrote sounded as if she missed this assbag beyond belief. The really crazy part is that she described everything exactly how I would decribe my relationship with BF. I constantly bitch at him for every little thing. I boss him around like his mom should've - "pick up your clothes", "send off your carpayment" "clean up your mess" "you need to shave" "why don't you pay more attention to me"... etc. And the other night (read 1 entry back) I brought out the big guns - "I could have better than you". I think it's just natural for me to take out my daily frustrations about life on those closest to me. I used to bitch at my mom (well, we used to bitch at each other) and my grandma and other boyfriends. All the little things that I can't or don't say out loud during the day or the things that I hate about myself turn into me critisizing everyone around me. Last night BF and I both took a few xanax, went to TGIFriday's and had a couple of drinks. We talked a lot. It felt like we were on our first date. We skipped the mall and came home to watch TV. Then he gave me $100 (which was very sweet) to go shopping for myself today - instead I spent it online cause I'm a lazy person. I know he loves me because he tells me a hundred times a day... I just get angry a lot because he doesn't always show it. My mom gave me this book a few years ago called The Rules. It basically tells you how to act if you want a man to love you --- at the time, me being single and unable to hold onto a relationship, it all made sense. But then came BF and I now think that the book is entire bullshit. He may be messy and forgetful and unromantic and irresponsible, but this boy loves me beyond everything else in his life. I swear. And I think about his lack of grace and know that that is one thing that I fell in love with also. |
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