12.29.03 It seems like I am writing the same things over and over - in emails and in letters. I feel like I should just write a short essay entitled "My Christmas Vacation" and have it published. Nobody would read it. And for now, I won't rehash it out in my fucking diary, as I'm sure that I won't be forgetting the events of the past week anytime soon. I wrote an email to my dad's wife explaining a little more about why I could not make the 9-hour trip to their home for Christmas. I tried to reason about the time factor, the stress, the money, etc... but it all came across as trite, I'm sure. One thing that I've learned in the past year is that I am forced to just accept things that happen as real. Doesn't make sense to anyone but me. Shit always seems to go completely wacky and I always fight against the circumstances instead of just accepting them - which is completely pointless. Christmas sucked in a typical fashion - but I accept that. (Haha, if my therapist could read this she'd be very happy) Sure, I'm not starving. I have a job. I have friends. I have a seemingly good life. Yes. But I'm beginning to understand that it doesn't matter what I have, it's never enough. I want my family to stop fighting and being mad at each other and gossiping and hurting my mom. I want my dad to grow up and get better and stop being insane. I want BF to quit drinking and be more responsible and more attentive to his own life. I want his dad to get healthier and give BF a fucking break. I want my school to stop jacking off and get my paperwork straight and let me fucking finish goddamn school. I want my friends to grow up and quit getting arrested and overdosing and dying. I want to live in a world where I don't get yelled at by a handicapped man in the parking lot and where I don't crash my car and I don�t have to go to work every day and school every night. I want a simple life. And as I told someone recently - that means that I have to "live simply"... nice advice if you are half-retarded. Now I realize what a jackass statement that is. But not all is BAD! I have really enjoyed being off work & school for the past week & a half. I have gotten a chance to clean, organize, and re-group. I have also had time to myself to think, write, read, be lazy, drink tea, listen to music, sing, dance, craft, talk, love, listen, play, sleep, and daydream. The things that I don't have time for in the other 11 months out of the year. Haha. I want to be a housewife. |
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