12.18.03 My eyes are puffy and swollen this Thursday morning... the first day of my two-week, 4-day vacation. It started with therapy. Wait, it started with both BF and I having the semi-flu all week long but still going to work every day. After a few days of that we are both pretty irratable. I had another appointment with Lydia last night � the one where I got super mad about feeling like I have to visit my father for Christmas. (I don�t even want to go into it.) Then I came home feeling like shit, emotionally and physically. I laid down on the sofa and watched Sex and the City while BF and R0bert played on the Playstation in my bedroom. I got up at some point to check the laundry, passing by BF and not speaking because I�m feeling so sorry for myself. (Yeah, boo-hoo) As I passed them, BF suddenly jumped up and threw me onto the bed � tickling and kissing me. It was totally playful, and it�s something that would normally pass because we wrestle around all the time. Somehow in the course of our mini-wrestling match, I managed to hit him right in the nose with my hand. He had been wearing his glasses to play the game and I bent those motherfuckers into a big "v" shape on his face with the force of my blow... that�s all it took... he got really pissed off then. I knew he was super mad, but instead of apologizing, I ran into the kitchen and slammed the door screaming, "FUCK YOU!" Haha. It was funny for a second, until the door swung open and BF tackled me on the kitchen floor. He grabbed me in a headlock and threw me down on the cold linoleum, popping every vertebrae in my neck & back. I screamed as he continued to shake me by my neck, choking me and screaming. I realized when I saw his expression in the doorway that he wasn�t playing anymore and I was totally scared. After he got up, I continued to lay in the floor and cry. He stood over me, yelling for me to get up. I laid there for a few minutes until he went into the other room. When I got up, I was so mad that I picked up the first thing I saw and threw it against the wall. After that, I had a tiny temper-tantrum. BF ran into the room, just in time to see me smash the glass top on my grandmother�s antique dining table. Smashed. And it didn�t break into small pieces, but rather large shards � in a snowflake pattern. That�s when I got hysterical. I still can�t believe that I did that. Fuck. My temper & me. I keep a picture of my grandma on the fridge, a picture of us before she died last year. Her sweet expression is enough to send me into absolute hysterics. After the broken table I just collapsed onto the floor, sobbing. How stupid. How could I break the goddamn table anyways? Anger management issues, what? The worst part was cleaning up in the bright fluorescent lights of the very large kitchen � all sterile and calm except for the only remaining thing I had left of my grandma, completely destroyed. Fuck. ---------- BF and I hugged and made up before bed. As I lay there still crying about the table, he held me and stroked my hair. I lay there thinking about the night � how I had just been thinking about buying a gun for home protection. About how having a gun might not be such a smart idea for someone with a temper like mine. Because I swear there are some times that I would totally use that thing, I�m serious. And I made a mental list of things that I would like to do in the new year - not in any particular order: 1. Re-learn to skate. Buy a skateboard and learn some new tricks. 2. Learn to fire a weapon. Own a gun. (After I get the "anger" under control) 3. Take some yoga classes. 4. Finish school for the 40th time. (Only two classes left) 5. Pay off my credit cards. (Christmas has really done a number on my finances) 6. Forgive my father. (That would probably be best to do before I do number 2) 7. Stop fighting with BF. Marry BF. (We�ve been engaged for a year without any plans � my procrastination) 8. (I forget what 8 was for) 9. Write more letters and call my family more. 10. Look for a better job. 11. Lose the need to drink. Stop doing so many drugs.
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