12.05.03 This entry is for Lyndsay... A few years ago when I was 19 and stupid, I dated this jerk-off named Rick. He was just this tour kid that lived in the same town as me and hung out in the same circle as I did. We "dated" on and off for about a year and a half while traveling together, going to Phish shows and other festivals all over the country. Everything was fine & dandy. I wrote about our summer together here. I refer to him as Nick in those previous entries for the purpose of keeping my life out of Google, but now I think I'll call him by his name. His STUPID, STUPID name. Rick. Everything to him was exciting and dramatic. I was obviously a typical teenage girl and was in love with the adventurous lifestyle that he lived. It was romantic. I overlooked his faults and tried to work it out with him because it seemed that we had fun together. It was all part of the highs and lows that I just started to accept - everything he did was to the extreme. Rick would get super-mad over the tiniest things. (Turns out, he was also a huge loser, so there were a lot of tiny things for him to be mad about. hahaha!) He would do the most outrageous things when that temper would flare up! They included holding me by the neck against a wall, punching holes in the same wall, pushing me out of his car, choking me, pulling my hair, screaming at me, etc... Because of his erratic behavior, we had been off and on for a few months. I always made up with him, and he always seemed so sorry about his actions. One day he showed up at my apartment in ATL to hang out. We were in the middle of a huge fight in my kitchen when the phone rang. I answer the phone and it's some girl wanting to speak to Rick. I ask who it is and the girl tells me that she is Rick's girlfriend and she's wondering where he is. HAHAHA. His girlfriend? I asked if she were serious - because I was also his GIRLFRIEND. (Or so I thought.) The girl, Tracey - who turned out to be totally cool, & I talked for a while about how we were both obviously being played. We ended up becoming really close friends to this day but that's another story for another time... I wrote a small sentence about it here. Anyway, I kicked Rick out of my house and told him to never EVER come around me or call me again. He didn't listen, though. He kept calling & trying to see me. He was also playing the same game with Tracey and we both knew it. One afternoon he just showed up at my house, unannounced. I wouldn�t have even opened the door, but I had roommates who ended up letting him in the house. Once he was inside, he proceeded to try to talk to me and "apologize" about everything. I kept pointing him towards the door but again � but he didn't listen. Soon the conversation turned ugly because he refused to leave. It escalated into a full on argument - complete with cursing and insults. It moved onto the front drive where Rick still refused to leave. When he reached out and grabbed me by my shoulders, something inside me totally went numb and the world around me slowed down. Everything around me became dreamlike and hazy. It was surreal. Before I knew it, my roommates were calling the police - I had beat the ever-loving-shit out of this man in my own driveway. I had grabbed him by the ears and used his head as a weapon against the hood of his car. That boy was bloody and crying. Hahaha. He was gone by the time the police got there. (and he stayed low for the following week or so) The police that were involved in the �investigation� said that I could file assault charges against that ex-BF because he had grabbed my arm. (turns out touching someone at all is considered assault) I said "nah" to filing a report because I had literally beaten his ass bloody outside my house and he was holding my arm to defend himself. It seemed pretty 'mutual'... The police said that didn't matter because he was trespassing on my property and I had the right to protect myself & my home if I felt that I was in danger. I didn't have any marks on me so the police couldn't do anything on their own, but suggested that I file an order of restraint against him. About a week later, he showed up at my friend's house to try and speak to me again. What a freak! To this day I AM SO SORRY THAT I DIDN'T have him put in jail!!! I ended up moving 4 hours away to avoid seeing him. How passive-aggressive was that? Now that I live in the same town again, I do see him out sometimes or "hear" about him. I wish, I wish, I wish that I would have done something more about him. I realize now that he was abusive and manipulative. I realize that this was a pattern for him. I realize that since he got away without punishment (except for a black eye and a fat lip) for what he did, that he probably will continue his behavior forever. Somewhere down the line he might meet up with some girl who will cut off his tiny wang, Bobbitt-style. Or worse, he will end up hurting some girl who won�t stand up for herself. It�s guilt. Guilt for not handling the situation the way that it should�ve been handled. Guilt for not setting that loser in his place. Guilt for being all ghetto about it and fighting it out with him. Guilt that I didn�t just bash his damn skull in. Good God, now I�m angry just thinking about it...
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