11.04.03 4:50 pm I didn't get much sleep last night... I had the most fantastically horrible dreams of everything. I woke up all sweaty but unable to bring myself from under the covers - it's that ANCIENT fear. I kept thinking that I heard the dryer door shut or the cabinets slam, I don't know. BF said he didn't hear anything, but then again, he doesn't even hear the alarm clock go off in the morning. So without sleep, I felt like a big stone all day. I wore purposefully painful healed shoes & pantyhose (which I loathe) because we had a big reception today at work. I didn't realize that I would have to keep walking up & down the stairs all day long, otherwise I wouldn't have worn them - but they are so pretty that I couldn't have helped it. Black healed MaryJanes with wide toes. The kind that are probably out of style (like me) but make me feel like I am all dressed up. It�s that ANCIENT longing. I also wore the black wrap dress that I bought for my grandmother�s funeral last year. It's kind of sexy and I remember feeling weird in the church on the day that she was buried. I also remember that I tore the hem a little bit when I 'lost it'. Funny, I just thought of that. There is something so FINAL that happens when you watch a casket being lowered into the ground. I remember that my mother picked me up by grabbing me underneath my arms and sort of dragging me away. Mamaw would have liked this dress, though. (She simply and plainly understood existence.) 6:20 pm Lola just stopped by as I was typing this. She�s the only girl that I know that isn�t too girly for me to hang around. Plus she has the greatest laugh. We talked about the most random memories... it�s healing to just laugh at nothing with someone else. And I was actually glad to have a visitor (its been a while) since BF is at band practice tonight & it�s been pretty disturbing in my house lately. When I am here alone, I feel so uncomfortable. it�s almost unexplainable. Rob told me that he doesn�t feel right inside my house � that there is some sort of darkness in the daytime that creeps him out. 6:50 pm Interruptions. Normally this would have been the perfect benzo night, but I only have a couple left. The way that this past week has gone, I think I�ll just save them for another time � a desperate time. The front door is half-open and it�s rainy... You can hear the car tires cutting through the puddles along the street, and it smells like summer � the smell of rain on hot asphalt. I already miss the summer. Bare feet & milky pink sunsets on my front porch have been replaced with dead leaves and gray cold mornings alone before BF is awake. I used to like autumn. |
|