10.26.03 Man's great misfortune is that he has no organ, no kind of eyelid or brake, to mask or block a thought, or all thought, when he wants to. I like it when the time goes back � love it. We stayed up until 3 am being scared because of the movie we watched in the dark. Talking about random shit that I can�t even remember now. Being warm under the covers and staring at the giant ceiling. He held onto my hipbone with his hand. He said, "We�re so much in love, aren�t we?" I emerged from the house at about 4 pm yesterday, knocked on Rob�s door, (and after no answer) came back to lock up my house. Five minutes later, the doorbell rings. Rob stands sleepily at the screen, hair sticking up all over his head in all directions. I giggle. I follow him outside to the porch chairs to smoke a cigarette at his invitation. We talk for a while about the past week � it seems that he sits & invents things to be angry about. He makes up these things in his head and makes them true. Within the week he has gotten annoyed with me, decided to never speak to me again, forgiven me (for what ever it was that I did), and determined to once again be my friend. All this sequence has cycled without my knowledge � so funny. BF & I went out for Chinese yesterday evening. My fortune cookie said something about me being surrounded by friends� hahaha... yeah. I just want everything to be plain. As simple as possible, and no more than it has to be. Rob said that he was angry because he finally felt the "bad Abbey"... hahahahaha... He said he heard her through the walls. He feels that he can�t trust me anymore with the secrets of the front porch. Could this be the other night when I was having the screaming match with BF? When I was trashing my house? "Oh," I told him, "You haven�t seen anything." He thinks he knows the bad one. So, so, so funny. I was supposed to go to Mom�s house today. To take some movies and accommodate her loneliness because her husband has started working weekends again. It is overcast & dark, I am stuffy & tired, and more than that � I�m lazy. Too lazy to deal with Mom today, anyways. Don�t want to �talk� with her about how school is going (or NOT going, which she doesn�t know about) or how work is. Don�t want to talk about BF or to feel like he is still a dirty secret. BF & I decided last night that we should get married on this upcoming leap year � February 29 � which is our 4th anniversary. I don�t know what day that falls on, though. I can�t believe it�s been four years! I�ll be 25. I thought that by 25 years old, I�d be where I wanted to be in my life. It�s funny. So, so, so funny. When I met BF I was freshly 21, full of 'paths' and the light of ideals. Living between two cities, dating two different guys, wandering, experimenting, full of energy, free. I gave up one city, one boyfriend, one freedom, and one thing for another. And it�s not that I regret my decisions, but rather wonder... What if I would have said no to living here? Would we have met again? Would I be sitting here being what I consider to be me? Or some other version of myself � still free and clear-eyed. It�s difficult to consider. I have a gift of forgetting. But as usual, the gift is misused. I shared too much on the porch. Rob shared too much too, and that is really why he is so bothered. He thinks that he saw the bad, but he is just learning how to judge trust. He has just caught a glimpse of the monster and he�s sorry he thought otherwise. |
|