10.24.03
Oh goodness, how things have come again full circle! I quit school day before yesterday. I turned down the biggest job offer that I have had in years on Tuesday. I stopped hanging out with my friends... but don't get me wrong - by nature, I am a reclusive person. It's because I grew up on a fucking FARM (no lie) in the middle of nowhere, and with no brothers or sisters (or other kids around) to "play" with. In short, I never developed those social skills that make it easy for some to talk & laugh & interact with each other. I'd much rather be one on one... like just me & BF. Or alone, reading and being outside. And over the summer, I seemed to be "collecting" friends again like I tend to do sometimes. The summer was filled with parties and BBQs and random people over at my house all the time. Then just as sure as ever, they disappear (with my help, of course) as soon as I start in another one of my mood swings. The mood swing that I am refeering to is the ONE. The mood where I get all absorbed in my head and stop answering my phone or returning phone calls. The mood where I don't answer the doorbell, but instead turn up the television and pretend that I am the last person on earth. The mood where I put on my rattiest clothes and eat pills and smoke a lot. The mood where I take naps and forget to eat. The mood is called whatever you want, though Lydia likes to call it depression. Fuck that word. I quite thrive off this mood and so that would make it really weird if it were depression, because I like to enjoy it. To me it feels like something. And even SOMETHING is better than NOTHING. And the deeper this feeling gets, the more it makes for a very manic swing later. That's what I live for! Those nonsensical, no-sleep-nights of CREATION that come with the up-swing. And so I guess that it is not the depression that I dig, but rather the thing that it sure to follow. Friends? One (and six): So I stopped answering Tim & Michelle�s calls and since I have dropped all my classes, I won�t even SEE Tim anymore. After hanging out with them every other day for the entire summer � I am sure they think that I am mad at them & are probably mad at me. Two: Bo has also gotten the voice mail since the incident at Kenny�s house a few weekends ago. He has all but stopped calling except to ask a random favor. He probably thinks that I hate him for what happened � though I don�t. Three: Rob the neighbor has taken to hating me � out loud � and refuses to speak to me on the porch when I see him. He makes only snide comments and retreats to his side of the house. Four: Since Kenny left the ugly, ugly voice mail on my phone � I haven�t heard from or heard about him at all. Not even from other people who hang out with him. Five: I also haven�t gotten any calls at all from Tracey or Lex. Not that they call very often, but still � they are also absent from my life at the moment. My own mother (who calls all the time) hasn�t even phoned. That leaves BF & me alone. I only worry about the fact that it would bother him more than it does me. Maybe he will also get tired of my mood swings and I will be left completely alone. I wonder if I will start to care then. |
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