10.22.03
So tired. So many instances of dejavu. So much forgotten. So much left to forget. BF & I had a huge fight over apparently nothing. I ask him to rub my head because I had a headache and he blew up about "all the shit" that he does for me. He was drunk and I was sober. He was angry and I was calm. Then he said: "I hope I choke on my own vomit in my sleep!" Now, what kind of fucked up thing is that to say? Especially since that is how Adam (his best friend) died... What kind of fucked up thing is that? I slid from the bed onto the floor and sat there crying. I kicked the stereo about 5 or 6 times with my bare foot - hard enough to bang it against the wall. I locked myself in the bathroom and threw shit against the wall. Things always seem more desperate around midnight. He busted the lock on the door and went back to bed. I followed him because it was strange. He immediately passed out while I tried to find a comfortable position. No comfortable positions in my own skin. This morning I woke up cold and reached for him under the covers. He was cold too. I shook him, thinking of his words from the night before, and he didn't move. I screamed at him, still shaking his arm. He finally fluttered his eyelids and mumbled. ---------- I need a fucking valium. |
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