09.19.03 As if I could possibly - really - think the way I do. Sometimes I even believe myself. HAHHAHA. As if I could spit on you. You are like me; it would be like destructing (or deconstructing) my own soul. And to quit with the cryptic BULLSHIT: Someone has confessed that they are in love with me. Not to sound like a total pretentious bitch, but yeah... I expected as much. That's what I do [[stealer]] when I see one of "US". But last night beneath the weight of too many pharmaceuticals, I let my game down. I almost wanted to punch myself in the face. Reality is a bitch. The human heart (not literally, of course) is real. Life may not be, but this moment is real. And that is all there is - THIS MOMENT. How can I fuck with someone who believes this to be true? ...the name of the gateway is inscribed above: 'This Moment' ...and this slow spider which creeps in the moonlight, and this moonlight itself, and you and I in this gateway whispering together, whispering of eternal things- must we not all have already existed? And must we not return and run in that other lane out before us, that long weird lane- must we not eternally return?... (Thus spoke Zarathustra) I considered from comfortable spot on the sofa, from a comfortable view of three corners of the room, from a comfortable part of my mind - just considered for a moment. I could fall too. Easy. But I have constructed my life around me, and calculated every aspect of my day. I am content with a boy that is surely 'settling' for what I am. He decided to settle 4 years ago when we first met. This is what I like to tell myself sometimes. I love BF. I love him divinely, if there is a divine love. Do I think that we will make it? Yes. Will I leave him for [anyone]? No. Would I leave him for myself? If it came to that. But there is something supplementary that I feel need for now. A connection with someone that is NOT intimate... and if I have to make them love me to get that connection, then boys & girls - THAT's what I do. He said he wanted to kiss me. Something inside of me flexed, an evil grin spread all about my brain. On the outside I smiled, just smiled - I am still just playing. I told you before, I am a stealer. |
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