09.13.03 I cannot remember ever feeling so raw before. Like just suddenly... We have two or three great moving experiences in our lives—experiences so great and moving that it doesn’t seem at the time that anyone else has been so caught up and pounded and dazzled and astonished and beaten and broken and rescued and illuminated and rewarded and humbled in just that way ever before. -- F. Scott Fitzgerald Friday Morning: After Thursday night, and my heated discussion with Bo, there was a very heavy distraction hanging about my entire day yesterday. I left work at noon, as I stood up from my desk to file some forms and immediately felt blood run down my leg (too much information, I know) deciding at that point that I was going home as I literally ran out of the office with no explanation. In my car, I called my assistant on my cell phone to let her know that I was having "women troubles" and asked her to cover anything going on in the office before five o’clock. There is usually some warning. Some cramps, some symptoms, and so my first thought was panic. Maybe I had miscarried, I still am not sure that is not what happened... BF was there when I got home, asleep on the bed - (read: passed out from too much partying the night before.) I sat in the bathroom floor with my knees pulled up to my chest, thinking and crying. Too much crying lately. Friday Afternoon: Later, after I joined him on the bed, I ended up taking a three-hour nap. When I awoke, he was sitting on the sofa, already finishing off the case of Coronas from the night before. I stumbled outside to call my mom but instead ran into our new neighbor (Rob), who was chain smoking on the front porch. He informed me that he had to ‘run Bo off' from the outside of the house Thursday, as he was (quote) peeking in our windows and putting his ear up to the outside door. For some reason this completely freaked me out. BF was a little angry with this news, as to be expected. He already thinks that Bo has some ridiculous fatal attraction thing going on with me. Friday Evening: I called Tim & Michelle, as I haven’t heard from them in a couple of days... and Tim informed me that they weren’t in the mood for hanging out. They are getting a divorce. I could hear Michelle crying hysterically in the background, but Tim sounded cool – almost cold. They have already made arrangements. I tried to talk to our neighbor, Rob (I hate calling him "N" for neighbor) outside on the porch until I ran out of cigarettes. We talked about things that are best reserved for close friends, but I feel like I am reaching out. I need someone so badly to talk to. He shared some of his thoughts and scars and let me purge some of the things I wanted to let go. It was nice. I took two bars and passed out again at about 10 pm. Friday Night: Sometime after I fell asleep, I woke up and the sleep paralyzations started. I must have had at least 20 of them in a row – a record of some kind. They were so many and so intense that I finally cried myself to sleep. But then, sometime after 3am, BF accidentally rolled over and elbowed me in my face. More specifically my nose, which began to pour blood. I jumped up out of the bed, screaming and crying. Cursing. BF, confused from being woken up at a strange hour and even worse being woken up with me screaming at him, sat up and just stared at me. "What the hell?" he mumbled... "I am sorry"... "Quit bitching, it was an accident!"... "God, you are acting so retarded!"... "I said I was sorry!" I left the bathroom running towards the bed. My intention was to slap him in his damn face – his reaction was to grab me by the shoulders and push me to the ground. He held me there trying to defend himself. That is when he said it. "Are you fucking crazy?" I spit in his face. Saturday Morning: Sometime after the whole spitting thing, I ran out of the house in my pajamas and jumped in my car. It was about 4 am. I drove and drove. When I returned home, he was sitting on the sofa in the dark, smoking a cigarette... He hugged me. And when he left for work this morning, I apologized profusely... He said we would talk about it after he got home today. I hope I did not really fuck up this time. I hope that I am not completely snapping, slipping, going completely off the edge. |
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