09.09.03 I know what I will talk about today at my 'session'. Last night I got about a total of 30 minutes sleep. I lay there still, with my eyes closed for hours upon hours... waiting. Watching the clock - listening to BF snore - thinking. Then, this morning I got up out of bed long before the alarm was set to go off because I was tired of laying there. I opened the front door because Bo had said that he would ride his bike to my house and catch a ride to the university with me on my way to work. He never showed. Then at about 10:30 he comes flying into my office, crying & red faced. He was in his usual form of ratty clothes and dirty dreadies poking out from under some sort of 'hippie' knit cap. He is carrying 2 bottles of water and a bag that is crammed to capacity. As soon as he comes in, I usher him back out. And I know why I reacted like that - because of the image that I don't want to portray of my real life. Drugs, junkies, the people that are my friends. When we get outside, he breaks down about how he failed his calculus test and how he is due in court at noon to face his latest charges. He is wild-eyed and desperate. Talking about 'dipping out', flying to Maui to live with Nick. He is talking about going home to shoot up before they send him away. He is talking about a handful of Valiums in his pocket and how he might just eat them all - fuck that. I try to calm him the best I can, but my head is pounding. I am so fucking tired from NO SLEEP. I am ill, irrated, mad as fuck at him. How can he come up in my place of employment and drop something like this inside my head. It's not fucking fair. And I tell him that. QUIT ACTING LIKE A GODDAMN SPOILED BRAT. I understand about pain, stress, heartache, desperation... I do, really. However, when this person who is my friend (who I have watched go through months of jail and years of re-hab) talks about suicide? Over what?!? He failed his exam? Why? Because he's been strung out for a week beforehand? The fact that he got himself in trouble again? He got real mad at me. He said I wasn't listening to him and that he was leaving. I didn't try to stop him. My head is still pounding. I showed no sympathy. Fuck this. |
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