08.19.03 "One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important." -- Bertrand Russell (1872-1970) I just had a complete meltdown at work so I left for an extended lunch break that may last for the rest of the day. It�s a combination of all the piled up shit in my head & on my shoulders. School, work, health, money, BF, friends, mom, car, PMS, too many commitments, too many drugs. Taking an overload of courses to try & finally finish what I started 8 years ago. Working 50 hours a week trying to live in between classes. Ignoring my body�s crys for help. Maxing out credit cards to pay bills. Giving BF the short end of the stick in the attention department. Extending my heart to friends who don�t want to even try. Borrowing money from Mom to pay for my car being fixed (yet again). PMSing from hell and back. Overextending myself on side projects (once again, for friends). And to top it all off, eating pills everyday just to fucking "deal" with it all. And there I was, thinking that yesterday was bad -- today was the worst, though. And I SWEAR to God that I hate to use this place to complain, but it�s the only venting place that I have sometimes and... Well� damn. It�s that time of the year when students are back at the University & are trying to get registered for classes which is part of my job (to help them), but I so suck at it. For one, I could care less if you waited until the first day of class to even be concerned with your schedule. But for the most part, I just realized that part of my job is to also be helpful & accommodating to these kids. That part of my personality doesn�t exist. There are like 20 of them hovered around my desk needing this or that. Desperate. Needing sympathy, needing guidance, needing miracles. Wake up, peeps - I am not the Jesus-man. Then I have this lady from upstairs that gets �short� with me over a technical blurb on my part & all of the sudden I am in hysterics. {{Crying & shaking in the middle of the crowded hallway, like a fucking fool.}} I am a student too. I know. Believe me, I fucking know. That�s all it took for my "meltdown". One short snappy comment. That�s what I have become � a short fuse. What happened to that girl in the photo? The one who knew that none of this really matters anyways� I just want to be free. |
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