07.11.03 I promise that one day I will have a happy entry... just like I used to. And I promise myself that this one does (at least) have a happy ending. I think. That's just the only way to be right now - I can't summon the energy to not be angry. It's all the stress of all the days of all the weeks that have built into a wall of icy unforgiveness. I can't think of a better word to describe this feeling than NOTHING. I feel nothing. I sat on the edge of the bed last night and imaged myself picking up those turntables and setting them on their way out of the window - just like our ac unit. Every night we have fought about the same damn thing. Over and over and over and over. I couldn't help but to push those buttons even when I claimed to want the argument to end. I really didn't want an end, not that way. "I am NOT a fucking alcoholic!" "But you are sloppy drunk right now!" "Yeah? SO?!?" "You stay drunk all the time... (queue up that song "i gotta woman stay drunk all the time, i gotta woman and she..") I feel like you use it to avoid me." "YOU used to do the same thing!" And I did. I used to stay drunk or high most every single waking minute. And when we met - we stayed that way together. I can't say that now is any different, but at least in my head I am making that conscience decision to let that Orange Bacardi stay put in the freezer. don�t let the mind interfere with the heart It's like I am being given a choice here, only now I choose "none of the above". And now, this morning I am oddly sleepy. Not that there isn't a reason to be tired (as we stayed up late "talking") but those pills along with my morning coffee should've taken away from that feeling of tiredness. I just feel shaky-dreamy like I used to feel after a long binge. {{In the before time}} I couldn't help but push-push-push. I am a manipulative bitch like that. I couldn't stand that he found sleep so easy (after much alcohol consumption) and I lie awake trying not to eat sleeping pills again. I couldn't stand that he started SNORING in the middle of my little rant. "BF, I have a very important question." "What?" "Are you ready for it?" "Yes" "My question is..." Yes?" "Do you love me?" "Yes.." "More than monkeys?" (our own private joke) "Yes, babe. More than all the monkeys in the universe." Sleep well... |
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