07.08.03 (This wasn't meant for you to read.) I can't fucking sleep. I started the plan again today, & I have to say that it makes me feel much better. I keep thinking of how I planned that stupid vacation for 3 months or more, and how slowly those months went with waiting. Waiting, saving money & planning... All good to talk about - a lot harder to stick to. Whatever. I got very angry when I was in the student center today. I purposely took $3 to buy a sandwich - tuna on a croissant, actually - but when I got there the sandwich was $3.63. I tried to bargain with the cashier: "Will you let me have it for $3? I am fucking starving here." *That* was uncalled for. Needless to say, I walked away without a sandwich. I think that she looked at my nametag & took some sort of mental note for reasons that I can't blame her for. In case the police had to be called - you never know, I MIGHT JUST FREAK OUT. Let this serve as a warning to all you other MF'ers on this shithole campus. I didn't eat today at all because I downed a bunch of speed. I had to eat speed because I was SO drowsy this morning from all the sedatives I had to take last night just to get to sleep. I haven't eaten anything in a couple of days actually. A couple of pieces of chocolate (and that is just more caffeine) that I got off the secretary's desk. What is this secret plan, you ask? (Or even if you didn't) and where am I going? (in both direction and location? literal & figurative?) Hell if I know. You see... Well, the plan is nothing more than just a glimmer of hope for me. A reason to get out of bed in the morning. A reason to look both ways before crossing the street. The plan is to pretend like I am going on some exotic and secret trip just as soon as "the date" comes. Yes the date is tentatively marked for January 1. I don't know why I chose that date but it just seems as if you are going to start your life over - why not do it on the New Year's Day? YEAH? But I am half-retarded. WHY not just do it right now???? If I were still the person that I wrote about in all these entries of my younger (late teens) years I would simply hit the road. Backpack, cash, sleeping bag. That's how I used to do it. People just don't even believe those stories now. Look at me! Look at these tired and apologetic eyes! They never used to be sorry for anything. Now they burn from staring at a computer screen for 10 hours a day. If I just save twice as much as I am saving now - By December I will be ready. (Oh fucking-hell, I am ready NOW!) Ready to depart from this institutional gray office, away from walking in shoes. Holding back watered eyes. Angry. Tired - all the time. This chair without arms. I fucking hate this chair. To be at once away from the eating of sleeping pills & gas-station speed. Wake up! Go to sleep! Wake, sleep, wake, sleep - Fuck you! I always feel like I am in a movie. But I am not the star. That's all that matters, you know, if you are in a movie it's okay to be there - just make sure that you are the main character. I CAN'T FUCKING SLEEP! I will just not go into work on that date. I will cut off my phone on New Year's Eve - For good. Those who call often will be well informed of the "plan" by that time. I will keep a good house that week before. So there is nothing to clean up - to bother with. I will throw out the perishables & unplug all the appliances. I will give no notice. I will leave. Yes. Just wait and see. I can't fucking sleep. I can't fucking sleep. I can't fucking sleep.I can't fucking sleep. I can't fucking sleep. My god, it's like a mantra. |
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