07.07.03
"You get the Timothy Leary that you deserve." - Timothy Leary I am sometimes glad that *no one* can see me when I do bug out... Last night BF witnessed a little bit of "me"... but not the ME that he deserved. He saw the ME that my mother deserved for all the crap that she constantly dumps in my lap. The crap that I surely don't want to deal with. You don't know me, I am so not down with O.P.P. Or something. *cough* I was really struck by the above quote because I feel that I could substitute my name for Mr. Leary's and send it out (postcard-style) in a mass-mailing to everyone who comes in contact with me on a daily basis. You see... YOU get the scarydoll that YOU deserve. It's all about how YOU see ME. It's all about YOUR hang-ups... I can't help what you think, see, understand. And so I must remember to remember that I get back exactly what I put out. Example (last night): "What's my problem? I don't fucking know, mom!" (Scarydoll hangs up) What *is* my problem? (I think to myself, tears welling up) I curse & cry until BF wanders into the bedroom to see what's going on. "My mom is a total drama-queen!" (BF laughs at this statement) "She has single-handedly turned my life into a series of after-school specials!" (BF shakes his head...) "My mother is my problem!" (BF finally interrupts: "UH, Okay. Can't you see how dramatic that YOU are being right now? Who is the bigger queen, you or your mother ?!?") This statement came as a total 'shutthehellup' kind of moment. I felt like I had been slapped, but not necessarily by the BF... I felt like for just a moment, I had "MY" button pushed... HARD. He knows that it irks me to think that I am anything like either of my parents. But, he is so right. My mother and I are way too much alike. She has to be the only person in the world to make me so angry with so few words. & It's always been that way. It's like that with you & your family too, don't act like it's not... You sit there & you push each other's buttons. This button makes you smile, this one makes you laugh, this one makes you listen, this one makes you angry, etc. I have to classify family & friends as people of whom I know the buttons well. |
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