06.19.03 Time for a quickie! I just wanted to run through a few thoughts before I leave on my 'vay-ka-shun'... Yeah diary, I am excited to learn all about this phenomenon known as 'time off' from work. It sounds very interesting.A week spent laying my crispy ass on the beach, face down in a margaritta... I'll let you know how it works out. My emotions for the past week have been like the weather in Atlanta. (Only southern folks will get that one) One minute I am cursing, crying, hysterical, laughing, nervous, excited, - and that's all just before I've had breakfast. It's been so hard to sleep lately & I think *that* is what is really getting to me. I lie awake watching the clock & counting the hours until the alarm goes off. Tossing & turning, counting backwards from 100, everything. So last night, in a desperate attempt at a full night's sleep, I ate a handful of various 'sleep-aid' type medicines and attempted to fall asleep... for about 25 minutes. When I woke and realized that it wasn't working, I was so upset that I cried for about an hour. I was so fucked up on Tylenol PM & Xanax that I was just a sloppy mess. (It had to be a little funny.) Then BF lay down with me & held me while he washed my face off with a bathcloth. We talked & I ended up laughing so hard that my head started to hurt. And for fuck's sake, I still couldn't sleep. I feel like a total basket case. Yesterday as I was driving home, I thought about Mary Anne. I think that I have already moved on to the anger stage of the whole grief process because I suddenly started to curse (out loud) about the fact that she didn't consult me before she went & off-ed herself. You know? She didn't ask me if I was free this week - to be sad & angry. I hit the steering wheel for emphasis as I cursed her to everything I know. I guess that is natural for me to feel a little anger - but to the point where I screaming at nobody in my car is a little weird. Then later as I parked my car I sat in the drivers seat & cried... I just wish that I didn't feel so fucked up about this whole thing. |
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