06.17.03 Suicide - it's the newest thing. Everyone is fucking doing it. Is it the result of "lost faith"? That has to be it. The loss of hope? Because even with a razor-sharp knife pressed on soft pink wrists - it's hard not to hope that someone stops you. [saves your life] I have a long white scar - 3 inches almost - and perfectly symmetrical. I didn't do it "the right way". Though the doctor at the emergency room explained to me just what the "right way" would've been. At the time it disgusted me that he would explain the whole hot bath & cutting lengthwise thing... I guess he was just being an asshole. Giving me a reminder that the world doesn't revolve around me. I can't remember that it hurt at that moment. And no, I didn't want to die. I was being fucked out of my 16 year old brain on meth - dying in my mind. Cutting up my arms with letter openers, scissors, razors, (you know, BEFORE it was cool) & going too far. No, I have never really wanted to die. No. Because I still have hope - faith - whatever. Hope begins with an "H" and H is a crooked letter. It begins both Heaven and Hell. Mother asked me why. Why do people kill themselves? I wanted to sound great - profound, yet completely comforting. Instead I sounded like a complete asshole. And still I really don't know why. Mary Anne mentioned my mom in the suicide note. Asking that my mom be notified first before anyone else... best friends... The GBI Crime lab took that note for 'evidence', along with a bunch of other stuff. She will be cremated & a small memorial service will be held on Friday. I have already took the day off from work. I have been to far too many funerals, my growing collection of black dresses is frightning. |
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