05.24.03 I finally updated my fotolog. A few entries back, I wrote about my having surgery. Well, the reason I haven't mentioned anything else about it is that I have decided to quit being fucking sick. And so by not talking/thinking about it, I was doing a pretty good job of pretending for a while. I don't enjoy sickness. I don't like being tired or nauseaus. I don't like losing so much weight. And then there is the fact that I have been lying to everyone about going back to the doctor. I secretly cancelled all my appointments since my surgery - and have been pretending to have good reports from the visits that I never went to. I told everyone that the doctor says that there is "nothing wrong with me". I just want it all to GO AWAY! I told everyone that I feel fine. I have tried to act as if nothing is wrong & so far, it's been working. Except for the past week... It has been REALLY tough this week. I have honestly never slept so much - not even when I was in my "growing" teenage years - in my entire life. I ususally sleep for a VERY FEW hours a night even on the weekends. I think back to my high school years... and you know, back in the day, I used to come home from school and pass out for 2 to 3 hours in front of the television (before there was the internet). Then I would get another 8 hours before school the next day. On the weekends I would sleep till like 5 pm every day. That's a lot of sleeping, and since I am ALL grown up (I am 24 now), I have been surviving on 6 hours a night for quite a few years. That is, until now. I have been involuntarily passing out each night at about 7pm and sleeping until the next morning. And even so, I still feel incredibly sleepy throughout the entire day! What the FUCK? Even in the anticipation of fun, which was a night out with BF and Chris drinking beer, I lay down to ponder my choices of clothing - and FELL ASLEEP. BF said he nudged me to wake up & go with them but I "refused". He nudged me again when he got home later last night & I was still lying in the same position as when he had left. I awoke this morning at about 5 am just to puke and went back to sleep. BF nudged me again at 8:30 this morning when he left for work, and I groggily told him to "Leave me the fuck alone, I am trying to sleep." Now I am scared. More scared than I was to actually go back to the so-called doctors. More scared than ever because deep down I know that I am really sick. |
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