05.06.03 "When you are ready to learn, the teacher will appear." I can't shake the feeling that this is all just a test. A cruel, cosmic pop-quiz for which I am totally unprepared. It's that nightmare that everyone has at least once in a lifetime, and ranks second only to the one where you are naked at school. I called yesterday evening and cancelled both the Cat Scan for this morning and the ultrasound for Thursday. Just sick of it all. Tired wearing long-sleeves to cover the track-marks left by minimum-wage nurses assistants who can't find my fucking veins with both hands and a flashlight. Tired of my collection of plastic hospital bracelets with my goddamn name and social security number on them. They just don't go with any of my outfits. The only thing being that I am almost out of "meds"... chalky-white vicodin for which I have lived on for weeks. I find it hard to make it through the day without at least one - and here I am down to only eight. -------------- Back at work today, but still so drowsy - I think I just got really lazy over the past week from sleeping so much... I walked into an office filled with flowers from my co-workers, an office backed up with paperwork, a race to catch-up on things that I have forgotten. And I sincerely hope that one day I am a housewife - I absolutely would love it. And these dreams need to stop! The last one (this morning) was about Nick. When I think about him sometimes I STILL get this sharp pain in my stomach that is as fresh as the day that I discovered his secret. I think that I dream about him because I am guilty about what I did to him after finding out & still angry at him for what he did, YEAH... Still holding on after all these years. Well, it's always hard for me to forgive. |
|