11.25.02 I got "drunker than a motherfucker" on both Friday and Saturday nights... On Friday, Boyfriend suggested that we go to our favorite mexican resturaunt for dinner, so we drove the 45 minutes to La Caretta & had ourselves a nice little dinner. Usually, since he is not legally old enough to drink, I just sip my sweet tea while we're dining out. Instead, I pounded strawberry margaritas and popped a couple of xanax with my chicken nachos.. Mmmm, buddy... I remember thinking that I didn't feel THAT messed up at the time. But I was. Then I picked up my new prints from the art store Saturday, and this coming weekend I am gonna build frames for all of them out of 2x1s. My grandmother is gonna let me borrow her wood-burner to carve some of my poetry into the wood... This was boyfriend's idea - I thought it was extremely clever. So Saturday was going well... and then Boyfriend asked about the artist - and something REALLY FUNNY HAPPENED. I lied. I told him that the name of the artist that painted the origional to my prints was "insert name of girl that Boyfriend is trying to cheat with"... He got this weird fucking look on his face - sort of like he was getting a wedgie - and said "never heard of 'em". I burst out laughing in my head. You see, this girl that he has been contacting has a very unusual name... There is no fucking way that I could have just came up with it off the top of my head. I really, really, really shouldn't be playing these games... BUT. And then I casually looked at the prints and said "Oh, nevermind, her name is "insert name of REAL artist here"... But ALL weekend I kept 'mixing up' their names... After this, Boyfriend turned into the sweetest, most attentive, most complementing, most everythingperfectintheworld boyfriend that I have ever imagined... So fucking unlike him... I am a big wimp though. I guess that I am trying to make light of all of this shit, when really I am hurting. It hurts a whole fucking lot, and if I think about it for more than a few seconds I feel myself tear up. How can you be with someone that makes you feel so scared and alone? But at the same time, it's so comforting and right? I love this boy. More than I am willing to show him or anyone else - more than that. More than I have ever loved another person. More than I fucking love myself. And the very sad part is that I feel it more at times like these, when the reality of HIM crushes my chest and I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I can't fucking believe myself. ---------- In other, unrelated news - I gots me some food poisoning (as did Boyfriend) Saturday night. He took me out again on Saturday to a new Italian resturant that we had never heard of. We ordered 2 pizzas - one spinach with ricotta (for me) and one meat lovers (for him). I said "oh, babe - you gotta try this! It's soooo good." And so he had one peice and merely got an upset stomach for about 15 minutes... I ate 3 peices (yes, It was that good) and spent the next 2 hours heaving into the toilet... I proceeded to get really, really drunk and passed out after that. |
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