09.24.10 There is nothing like the absolute agony - the pang you feel right in your gut when you realize that you'll never be "3" again. Yes, I know that sounds cryptic and stupid and whatever... but as I watched my little creation - who watched his FIRST sunrise from the window seat of his FIRST airplane ride (and we'd been up all night trying to catch sleep in the cold airport but instead catching mono) I saw HIM seeing things with NEW EYES. New eyes. New connectors in his brain that is still forming in his 3 year old skull. New eyes making those amazing connections when sun means day means hope means colors means wonder means NEW. And repeat. His large blue eyes opened wide against the strain of no sleep, wide with complete wonder. His tiny chubby finger pointing out at a world I had almost written off as ugly. used up. And he said... "Look mama, it's the sun!" And at THAT moment, the world was born over again in my brain. And my stomach ached with the thought that I'd never SEE the sun for the first time. I'd never be "3" again. But I have more mornings. NEW. The sun has no choice but to rise again each day, and in this limbo of living situations... neither do I. ----------------------- A lady (quite nicely dressed I might add) with an attache' and "important" heels caught my eye ffrom across the transit from the departure terminal to baggage claim. My 3yr old sat on the ground as I squatted next to him. Her eyes were crystal green and her hair was jet black and tightly curled around a perfectly made up face. Across the transit. A glance. A second that our eyes locked. Her eyes were so GREEN. (((NEW))) A few moments after we exited into the baggage claim area I turned and she was standing next to me. Just as if she was pointing out a pen I might have dropped on the floor, she pointed down at my baby. My son. My 3 yr old. "He is special, you know?" I shook my head and gave a weak smile. Many strangers stop to tell me he's cute or his eyes are so pretty or whatever. "NO!" she continued - "He is a great spirit." By this time I'm like WTF? But all I could think was "I know". And I do. I know he is special in a way that I cannot describe. He is my destiny and my redemtion. I was never meant for greatness. I was never one of those women who longed for a child... no... in fact I never wanted children. But all these years of struggling with the questions of identity and ritual identity crisis(es)... haha... and rehab and lost jobs and half a semester away from any certain degree and wondering what I was "good at" and finding out what I was not good at and finding trouble because I sought out all experience... it was all there INSIDE of me. Literally. Literally inside of me. An egg. Waiting to become this little person with the new eyes. This little person who will be the reason for the existance of even my grandmother's grandmother's mother. And etcetera... and so forth. Oh, god. It's the truth. |
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