03.12.07 I am a cliche. A pregnant woman eating ice cream for breakfast at nearly noon in my pjs. I just over 5 months and it's still not quite real yet. I don't know if it will ever feel right. Good thing it doesn't last forever - I need that constant change to stay interested. My life is so different and it's different in a way I could have never imagined. Not just the pregnancy, but EVERYTHING. Money, employment, housing, living, relationships, EVERYTHING. Finally all that I tried to prevent from "going wrong" in my life has went wrong. It isn't as bad as I thought (and seemingly hoped) it would be. It's like finally hitting the bottom after free-falling endlessly. All that worry about losing everything is gone & everything is lost & the worry was pointless... and I'm relieved that it's over. Now at least I can worry about something else. ---- I've been trying to think of a name for my baby. She's a GIRL which means to me that the name is a little harder to invent. And I do mean invent. Almost as if I am deciding part of her personality and definatly that I'm helping to decide how others will "see" her. Like I'm inventing the very idea of her. That's a lot of pressure. And I guess that people mean well when they give thier unsolicited opinion on the matter. I haven't asked anyone directly and I don't have to because they ask ME. "What are you going to name her?" then they proceed to tell me "You should name her ____." It's not as bad as all the advice that people (including men!) want to give you when they see that you're pregnant. Suddenly everyone is an expert. This is part hormones but it's also true. I promise. |
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