06.22.05 Had another wonderful episode last night - crying and feeling sorry for myself. Then (in my usual way) actually thought out the entire process that has brought me to where I am... both geographically and in my life generally. Decided that I couldn't remember an exact decision or act that has brought me to this place - only a series of events that when looked at singly cannot be decifered. Meaning that each and every thing that has happened to and because of myself this past year or so is not as significant when viewed by itself. As each single event, if not pared with the other events would have resulted in a different me. For now, anyway. Still cannot shake this utter sense of dread for the future. And REGRET? What is this shit? For the first time in my life I feel this overwhelming regret for how my life is right now. And as said above - do not know exactly what am regretful for. ---------------- Wandered over to the website for my old job yesterday. Saw that my name has been replaced by another woman's... and for some reason that made me sad - like I realize that the world has replaced all the holes that I left. Stupid, really. Thinking that it wouldn't. ------------- Just realized that window view from office is not really all that interesting. Always thought that I wanted big windows to gaze out of on long workdays only to see that it is more of a torture to be able to see the outside while being stuck on the third floor of a deeply air-conditioned building. |
|