05.19.04 I don't have what people refer to as a "good work ethic". I arrive as early as I know I have to (sometimes not at all), I sneak out early whenever I can (which is 90% of the time), I spend 7 or so hours on the internet and only 1 (if that much) doing actual work, and I actually hide things in drawers that I don't feel like doing. Yeah. BUT today and every day this week has been super busy. I actually didn't take a lunch break today and stayed late - working, actually working for 9 hours. I feel like I'm going to throw up. As I was walking out to my car, I was blocked in the stairwell behind a red-haired chick talking on a cell phone. She was just taking her sweet-ass time in her sorority t-shirt and matching flip-flops. (That sentence had a lot of dashes) She actually paused on the stairs to adjust her little book bag that also matched her sorority shirt. When we FINALLY get outside, I notice her heading straight to this really nice car that is parked practically sideways in the handicapped space. Hahaha... I have flashbacks to that time when Mr. Handicapped Parking-Space Man flipped out on me at the bank. She flips her hair as she unlocks the car via one of those annoying remotes that causes the horn to blow & the headlights to blink. When I arrive at my car which is waaayyy on down in the lot, I have already forgotten about this girl only to be reminded of her existence as she whips around my back end blowing her horn. "Hey, you didn't seem like you were in such a hurry back there in the stairwell you HUSSY!" Hahahahahaha... ------- I'm having a bit of a problem that I don't know how to even describe. I don't even want to describe it, just want someone to notice and understand completely and hug me and tell me that I'm silly. I realized that I really really love BF. (Yeah, big revelation) However, I haven't been in the mood or whatever for months. I mean, it's either that I'm not attracted to him anymore or that I'm suddenly asexual. I don't even THINK about sex - ever. BF complains because for the past 4 years we have had relations on a regular basis and now... I don't know. It's like all I want to do with him is hug. Not even kiss. I groan and complain about his unshaven face against my cheek when I never cared before. I try to assure him (more myself than him though) that it doesn't reflect on my love for him or lack thereof. I try to tell him that he's still dead sexy but I'm just not feeling it. Am I just holding on to this relationship because I'm comfortable with it? Because he's familiar? I just want him to cuddle my back at night and listen to my stories and laugh at the television with me. I make up excuses to go to bed early or convince myself that I don't feel good. URG. I don't want to lose him but I don't know how much longer I can keep this up. I want to cry. |
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