03.27.04 Just got in (walked into an empty house) from Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind. Haven't really had a chance to digest the movie yet, though I spoke a little with J1ll afterwards when we went back to her apartment. Our conversation was more about memories (if you've seen it then you'll understand) and about how we'd like to be able to erase CERTAIN things from our memories. Then she brought out a big box of "memories" -- photos, pins, cards, letters, ribbons, dried flowers, and all other kinds of things. She dumped it out on the floor and we sifted through it. There was a picture of us at the beach when we were in 6th or 7th grade. We both were laughing about how skinny we were and how we both were wearing fake tattoos because we thought we were cool. That fall, her dad committed suicide... Then there was one a little later of us at a junior high dance when we thought that our dates were cool but looking at the pictures - they looked like real goobers. I wore a pink sequined dress and danced with boys to Guns n' Roses songs that night. Then there were more photos of us smiling on Susan's back patio (getting high), at concerts, dying each other's hair (mine was blonde/pink/black, classy, no? hahaha) at Disney World, in the parking lot at school (where we got busted together ditching school & smoking, and were suspended for 3 days), and finally at graduation with matching shoes. We looked so happy. Almost ten years ago when the last photo was taken... but somehow I know that those are just photos and that we weren't always happy. It's just that nobody takes pictures of the bad days and that's why identifying with the girl in those snapshots is so difficult - because I don't remember so much happiness as I remember all the other things. One picture of "us" - M@rla (since married & in and out of treatment for anorexia), Sus@n (married and in law school with an alchoholic husband), Ralie (pregnant and unmarried), April (living halfway across the country), He@ther (or Helen as I've called her before - married & divorced with a 5 year old child), Jennifer (god only knows what happened to her), Kellie (married), J1ll (getting a master's in education), and I... Hugging in a semi-circle... squinting at the sun... smiling. Unaware of the life that was awaiting each of us. Unaware that we wouldn't ALWAYS be friends. Unaware that there was life beyond that time. And so I remind myself that there is life ahead - and it won't always turn out like I can ever imagine. |
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