10.01.03

Every single time I have started to make an entry here, I have been interrupted or worse... And I feel as if I am dreaming so hard that I can't write anymore.

"Oh the stories I could tell you if I were easy. What a rabble in my head, what a gallery of moribunds... ...I would never have believed that - yes, I believe it willingly. Stories, stories. I have not yet been able to tell them. I shall not be able to tell this one." - Molloy, Part 1I, Samuel Beckett

Things seem like they are coming to a head, if you will (I hate that expression: "if you will") but only inside my head. I have applied for the postition that I spoke about earlier. The one with more money & less freedom. The one that would mean change.

I figure that I can always ask for a ridiculous amount of pay for said job, and if that offer goes over - then it was meant to be. If not, I wouldn't feel very guilty for not living "up to my potential" because the University is some cheap bastards.

Lydia the counselor has asked to see some of my writings because I talk about them as self medicating. She has also suggested that (after a week-long stint without) I continue to take the xanax as needed.

As fucking needed, indeed.

It's all about survival now.

BF has started a new job (H&A) again, after the crumble of his father's business. He has came home every day with his hair matted to his head. Sweat & dirt. Dirtyblue-jeanedkneessmellinglikecoldmetalworkvan. I told him last night that I didn't want him to work there anymore because I know he hates it - and somehow, I don't want him to hate me for that. He hugged me & told me to "chill out".

I am finding it so difficult to concentrate. Period. Even on driving, when I drive home. My thoughts are so scattered and feeble and frantic.

Dear R:

Things are always gravity laden for me in the morning. Things seem so much more real and so less desperate. It's the only time of day when I can almost think clearly - and yet I spend half my morning trying not to completely zone out.

I didn't think that you 'bailed' on me last night. No. I decided to bail on everyone. I sat in my bedroom and demanded that BF put the house on lockdown. No ____, no ____, No ____ or ___. I ate a couple of V's and put on a sweater while BF listened (willingly, I hope) to my distraction. I promptly fell asleep before 9.

It was nice.

-A

Yesterday, our neighbor's ex-wife showed up at his house to 'freak out' on him in front of about 3 eye-witnesses. I pulled up just as the policeman was escorting her back to her vehicle.

It's weird when you see someone else's drama. Somebody else's psychotic episode.

It makes me ask the question "Am I the only one who is still normal?"

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