09.15.03
*Prepare for a little of my own incoherant notes to self:
I guess things are alright. I use that term loosely... Alright.
I awoke (LATE) this morning to sound of my nokia (Chip called), took a look at the clock (8am on the dot), rolled back over and wondered why BF had just frantically jumped out of the bed. Afterall, today is... "FUCK!" It's monday and I am late once again. I threw on some clothes and brushed my teeth in the bathroom at work.
Today just seemed surreal. That sunshine chill and bare legs beneath a maple desk.
BUT hey, my 'package' finally came today. Breathe a sigh of relief. Eat a few breaths, relax, too much. I am too much.
I say that a lot. It's almost a mantra.
Rob - our new neighbor - has become a fixture in our livingroom. I like him and so does BF... in fact, we like him a lot. He is one of those super-sensitive over-analyzing types. He basically drew me a picture of myself, and it was frightning. And it wasn't filled with compliments (or judgements) but it struck hard. His words are hard to follow, but I think that he is one of those people who I have always instantly connected with. He's a lot like me.
He understands me when I say that I just want to live like water.
"And nothing I cared, at my sky blue trades, that time allows - In all his tuneful turning so few and such morning songs - Before the children green and golden - Follow him out of grace."
I have cut off communication with Bo, at least for a while. The last few times we've spoken, he has gotten upset - even angry - with me. He has torn me apart.
[[They are all vultures, you know. They can almost smell it when you are the weakest.]]
Bo keeps calling at strange hours, leaving incoherant messages, repeating the same things over and over. I still worry about him, and I always will. I will still think about him and he will always be my friend. But I am fragile now. More than EVER before. That is why I must distance myself from catalyst that he can be.
I feel like I am breaking.
I want to create. It's a fine line between that and destruction.
I should probably save these thoughts for my session tommorrow with Lydia.