09.03.03 I am working on something new here... It's because of the entry that i made yesterday and how I went back and read it this morning. It sounded pretty pathetic. I have been thinking alot lately about just how much I blame myself/apologise/feel guilty about shit that I can't possibly help. Like yesterday, when I kept thinking "God, I fucked up"... when really I couldn't have done something like that on purpose. But then after that whole thing, I come home and get on the computer. I totally FORGOT about my session yesterday with Lydia. Spaced. Forgot. She called me and left a message at 5:30, when I didn't show up at 5:00 - when I got that message I was instantly guilty. She suggested that I just go ahead & come and that she would stay later to see me. When I arrived, I was flustered and apologetic. That totally came up later in the conversation, about how I just kept apologising for being late. I didn't used to do shit like that. (at least I don't remember) I think that I have become trained by my job & my way of life that I do it without thinking. "I am so sorry!" - Just instant apologies. Then I started feeling bad for saying that I was sorry. Hahaha.
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