09.01.03 Fall It�s almost here. I love fall! The lighting� it�s the sun that�s different. When the lighting starts to look different in the evening � it looks cleaner. The sun starts to fade earlier. It�s the smell in the morning � outside. And that smell, fall�s own smell that I can�t describe. It�s the feeling that everything is starting over (finally.) For me LIFE starts over in the fall. It�s weird. Gia There�s something a little more real here in this house. Things seem more real at 2 am, more important, more desperate. I always keep in mind that the realness seems different in the morning. I stayed up watching this movie last night, �Gia.� I couldn�t help but to cry towards the end. That whole idea of desperation, it�s fucked up that I can relate to that. Then once I start crying, it becomes a theme for the rest of the night. BF & I talked about dying � death as we lay there after midnight. I made him promise not to die, ever. And he laughed, but he promised. But it was late and my thoughts were already wandering around in the dark. And then I started thinking about every person that I have watched dying & dead. Like still movies, clips of funerals and wakes. I am too much for myself sometimes. A day off I can�t help but to wish that I had this weekend back again. That I could start again from Friday. So many things that I meant to do before this time was up. I had originally planned to use this long weekend and fly to NY to visit with Lex. BUT - Being sick last week really blew that plan. I never found the energy to search for cheap tickets or to plan for an extra day off from work. Not that I really could take off anyways with as many days as I have missed lately. I swear, being out of commission for those 4 or so days while I slept off that flu thing really fucked up my whole schedule. I�m not sure that I will ever get around to visiting her up there. It�s only been just a little over a year since she moved, and already it feels like it�s too late. Do you ever outgrow your friends? Or do you just retire them, in favor of comfort? I couldn�t relate to her on the phone that night a few weeks ago. I feel that my life has already become so boring that it could possibly contaminate those around me. Living the 9-5 has really become like a cancer. And her life sounds much more exotic than I can remember my life ever being. Working at MTV, interning with a famous photographer, living in a studio apartment in the middle of the city. And what? I left �exciting� at the door of my stupid job in some less glamorous part of the country. I left exciting for BF and comfort. I am not sorry, but I can�t allow myself to wonder about that parallel life that I don�t live. Cancer Meth has become a real cancer around where I live. It seems like I tried to leave that behind years ago before I was back here at home, only to have it follow me � even slowly. I can honestly say that I haven�t touched it since I have been back here. (3 and a half years, now.) But you can�t tell anyone anything. Or even show them. I wish I could�ve taped my life before and showed it as an anti-drug campaign. But I guess that it wouldn�t have much impact seeing as how I just replaced one drug with more socially acceptable addictions of alcohol and pills. Everyone is reaching. Groceries I don�t know why getting groceries is such a big deal for me. I guess it�s the whole process of planning and DOING � a control over some aspect of this life. Even if it is just what I am eating for dinner each night. The act of arranging boxes and cans in my pantry, the act of carefully thinking of each eating ritual. I don�t think that I have ever mentioned that in here before. I am tired of being ashamed/afraid of that part of myself though. (The part that wants to have some power over anything in my life.) The part that can control the intake of something, God knows I am not in control of anything else. A series of meaningless events? Living from Sunday to Sunday. |
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