08.25.03 and here i am, frail - frail and bedazzled from all the glare Warning: whining ahead. I look like a wreck. (And probably smell like one too) I haven�t found the energy to shower or do anything for the past two days. My hair is all greasy and stiff (eww). I think after this entry, I shall take a nice long bath - maybe. If I lived alone I probably would just forget about it and crawl back into the bed, but BF will be home at 6 and I want him to �tuggle� me. (And �tuggle� is not nasty like it might sound. It�s when you lay down under the covers with someone & just hug and kiss and �tuggle�.) That means if I want to tuggle BF, then I must stop smelling bad immediately. I emailed in sick today. Fucking email! Email means not having to 'sound' sick or worrying if you do or not. Email fucking kicks all types of ass, except for being totally sick and bored at home all day. It sucks having to actually take sick time as sick time - drifting in and out of consciousness, watching the clock, wasting hours, listing to dumb-ass daytime television. Last night was the absolute worst. I awoke every hour, sweaty & nauseous, head pounding. At least twice I had the sleep paralysis things. They both happened as I was waking instead of when I was falling asleep. There is nothing scarier than waking up, your eyes wide open, and being unable to move your body. It's like a fucking nightmare. I jerked so hard out of the second one that I woke up BF. Oh, and the worst part. The auditory hallucinations� running water & children giggling. [[Like all the sounds that I heard in one day �smooshed� into one.]] And not that I am against hallucinating, but it�s different when you aren�t on any sort of drug. I awoke so upset at about 6 am that I almost called my mother� but she would�ve just insisted on a doctor�s visit, so it�s better that I just got some sleep today. Plus my mother would have made me feel totally guilty for missing work or questioned my sickness. But maybe she would�ve just made me feel better with her voice. It�s fucked up sometimes how she can make me feel better and worse at the same time. I swear, it is my mission to be totally well by tomorrow. Well enough to sit up at my desk all day and not die. Well enough to fucking eat a damn Valium. hahaha. |
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