08.16.03
I got way too fucked up last night.
"I am Jack's total lack of surprise."
It started because I couldn't handle the stress of work yesterday. I didn't have the capability to be my usual polite, helpful self... especially when I was making courtesy calls to students (to advise them of the courses that they are enrolled in, but lack the prerequisites for) & get cursed out by one especially ornery freshman bitch who thought that I should have called her earlier in the week. I tried very politely to explain that I had a fifteen page list of people to call & that I had been on the phone since I got that list at 8 am & that since her last name started with an "S", that she was pretty much one of my last calls.
Bitch.
But I felt a lot better when I got off work & got to have a little blue relief... or 4... I just kept popping them.
My mom called after about the 3rd one yelling (not really yelling, but irritated & loud) at me about how I should be more concerned about getting my car fixed so that she can get hers back from me. I busted out crying - a little PMS, a pinch of Benzos, mixed in with Mom-fussing is a bad combo - and she ended up telling me to basically "dry it up" and hung up on me. Poor, poor, pitiful me. Hahaha. I can laugh at that now.
I wish I could just hop this train right out of here...
"Restlessness is discontent and discontent is the first necessity of progress." - Thomas Eidison
But then Bo called to inform me that he is now officially out of rehab, and living in an apartment (that his parents set up for him), which is basically down the street from me. I was super-happy to hear that... after 8 months in re-hab and a fresh new start... I was excited to have my dear friend back.
{{Aside, I really dig Bo's new place. I am going to help him decorate it tonight.}}
I headed over to his house to pick him up & bring him over to visit. The VERY first thing he did was to offer me klonopins to which he has a prescription. (WTF?) Is that what they give recovering junkies? GD!!! And there was BF, egging the situation on by convincing Bo that he needed to "celebrate" his freedom by partying the night away.
I happily accepted the klonopins though, which brought the collection of pills in my system up into the double digits.
Sometime after we left there, we ended up at Tim & Michelle's house. I knew deep down what was going to transpire there... we can all assume what they were doing & what they do all the time. It totally hurt my feelings to see Bo smoking shards right along with everyone else in the room. I don't even pay attention to BF doing it because I know him well enough to know that he can take it or leave it.
But Bo is different. I thought 8 months in treatment would make him a little hesitant to jump right back in, but he has this way of justifying everything...
The guilt of the situation, me bringing him into that place, me setting the 'whatever goes' attitude, me supposedly his voice of reason. There I was, fucked out of my mind with no good argument as to why we should've stayed home & watched movies.
Michelle gave me the most awesome foot rub ever. She is such a sweet person - a good hostess, if you will.
So anyways, I don't really remember anything past Tim asking me (laid out on the sofa) if I was "OKAY"... BF said I came home, knocked over a couple of kitchen chairs trying to get to the sink for a glass of water. Spilling the water. Crying. Trying to play with my camera, not being able to see the screen on the computer as I tried to play on Photoshop. And eventually passing out on the bed {{diagonally}} with my clothes on. He said that I kept apologizing to him for weird shit - like I was just confessing all the bad things I had ever done, and he was like a priest or something.
All I know is that I awoke this morning all wobbly and vowing that I need to lay off the pills.
I promise.