08.12.03
Boys & girls, let's begin. Again allow me to detail my totally predictable life. You know you've heard this all before, somewhere... maybe. (I once heard that as long as you only do drugs on the weekends, then it's recreational. Ha-ha.) BF broke my car yesterday. I guess it wasn't his or anyone's fault really. The sad part is that the good old Chevy car was coming within months of it's TENTH birthday! Yes! That means that the car was brand new when I was 15 years old. I swear I will never forget that when you are 15 a car smells like freedom, racing down back-roads with the windows down, passing a fucking doobie, blaring fucking Nirvana (or whatever was 1994), sneaking off into other worlds. Best friends. Laughing. Familiar dips and curves. {{My first kiss was in the front seat of a Thunderbird}} Hahahaha. Yes. A car is a license to go wherever your gas money can take you. A car is the power to leave. A car is fucking free-dom, my friends. And it sucks that my freedom needs a new transmission. I was so fucked up and emotional on pills yesterday when BF called to tell me that I broke down sobbing. I couldn't even say why, cause I didn't know. Sometimes I do shit like that -- crying or shouting or laughing hysterically. I think I have been trying to get back something lately. I think that's why I just painted everything in my house black. I think that's why I have been screaming in the shower. Why I took up drinking again (there is that surprised face! saying "Did you ever stop?") Why I bought 15 blue candles yesterday for no reason. Why I threw that stupid plant in the kitchen (the one that won't grow) straight out the back window - ceramic pot & all. I think I need to say something HERE or I am going to explode. My mom was nice enough to let me borrow her brand new car to drive until my car is fixed (?) if it can be, that is... Though I enjoy the newness of her interior, I miss the fact that the headliner doesn't sag onto the top of my head. And though everything works as it should under the hood, I miss the unpredictability of my car stalling out at red lights. I guess I just want to forever hold on to that one single part of my life. That one special time when I was free. F-r-e-e, babies, mother-fucking free. |
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